The ache of something more
lingers in my soul. There are so many
lessons that I want to learn, lessons I want to really transform the way that I
do things. Deep down I want to live life
God’s way, but my flesh is so strong wanting to be super mom and wife. I want to be able to keep my house, meal plan
and complete projects the way that I could before Abby was born. I want to be super mom and wife. I want to be able to operate on less sleep
and still complete everything. I want to
spend time with my son reading to him and playing with him. I want to take him for long walks and be
patient and kind to him in every moment. I want to care for my newborn with love and
patience. I want to cuddle her and rock
her. I want to respond to her cries with
understanding and complete love. I want
to be able to multitask with two little ones running around. I want to silence the wisdom of moms before
that say you have to let the housework go for a while. I want to cook my husband breakfast and
supper with joy, provide a home of peace and comfort and love for him to come
home to. I want to do all the laundry
and knock out all the tasks so that when the kids nap, I have some time to
myself. I want to spend hours in the word
of God basking in his presence as I read His word. And the list goes on. I want I want I want. I want to be the perfect wife and mom. I want that more than I want to glorify
God. It hurts me to admit that, but it’s
true. I strive to be all of this, yet I
am impatient, I lack joy, I struggle to just get supper on the table as John runs
around fussing and Abby is screaming. I
can’t remember the last time that I dusted and some days I’m scrambling to at
least have the house presentable when Mike gets home. Some days I wonder why God trusts ME to be
a parent. Isn’t there someone else out
there that is more patient and that would do a better job? I want a 10 step plan to finding a balance
in all the chaos, but yet what I find is Christ Himself saying to me “I can
handle this.” I read the following in
my devotional this morning: “Have you
placed your day in His hands.?” Then a
song on the radio comes on….”held in His hands.” I stop.
Tears run down my face as I realize how much I have been trying to do
this alone. Why do I fight the one that
can save me? Not just save me from death
and provide an eternal home for me. But
the one who can save me from myself, my daily sin of trying to do it
myself. He can give me peace in the
midst of this chaos. He can help me
learn the lessons that I want to learn, but I have to let go of the dream of
perfection. That’s not my job even
though it’s what I think I want. My job
is to faithfully be obedient to my Savior.
Sometimes that means that the house isn’t as clean as I want it to be, my child is screaming while I take care of my
other child. Sometimes that means I walk
away for 5 minutes asking the Lord to strengthen me. Sometimes that means that I am broken and
admit I can’t do it alone. As much as I
want to be perfect, I have to let go of my own will and surrender to the Father’s
will. So I strive to let go of
perfection, take one day at a time and place it in His hands.
