I had started feeling pregnant, which consists of falling
asleep uncontrollably and feeling very mean (and if I’m honest acting on
it.) We were very excited and told the
children right away. John was so excited
that he was telling everyone at church.
We rejoiced and started to think of our family with 5 children. As usual, we started discussing names and I
started googling 15 passenger vans OR how to fit 3 carseats on one row. I felt very nervous about handling 5
children, but still was so excited.
I didn’t struggle too much with fear waiting the couple of
weeks until our doctor’s appointment. I
just kept telling myself that it was in God’s hands and that I had no reason to
be worried, and for that I am thankful.
The day of the appointment I was pretty nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary. Then I began explaining to the ultrasound
tech my situation and she said we could try looking up top first. When she looked she said she couldn't see very
well. As she switched to the internal
ultrasound, I couldn’t see what we were looking at exactly, but I also couldn’t
see a heartbeat. My heart sunk and I
just knew. There was no heartbeat. I
should have been 9 weeks along, my sack was measuring seven and the baby only
six weeks.
For those of you who have watched me walk through the other
miscarriages, you have probably read my post about the last miscarriage (http://crouch23.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-3rd-miscarriage.html)
God miraculously gave me peace about that baby being gone, but the focus of
that was His peace and not on the struggle that happened before the peace
came. As I said, every miscarriage is
different and this one has been heavy. I
feel at peace, but I am heavily burdened
with sadness. I know it will get easier
as it always does, but with this miscarriage I never got to see my baby
alive. The first time I saw my baby,
there was no heartbeat. And it’s
possible that baby was dead by the time I found out I was pregnant.
In my last post over a year and a half ago, I spoke very
strongly that by grace I will always celebrate life. My pain right now in the face of my baby
being gone makes it difficult to celebrate life. My appointment was two days before my
birthday and three days before Mother’s Day. I have an amazing husband, and 4 beautiful
children that I celebrate, but another loss was not what I considered a great
birthday present. My birthday and Mother’s
day this year were hard. I haven’t
really felt like celebrating. Yet I
think of a different perspective.
Birthdays are celebration of life and our lives are more than just the
good moments. It’s also life’s struggles
that form our character and make us who we are.
The hard times force us to cling to God and to mold us to be more Christ-like. I want my life to be a reflection of
Christ. I want him to shine through me
and give me reason to celebrate even in the midst of heartache. For without Christ I am nothing and I am so
thankful that he chose to give me life and that he has allowed me to produce
life. What a special gift. And even in light of my most current loss, I
want to be thankful for that life he gave me for the short time that I had
it. So even though I don’t feel like
celebrating, I chose to. I look to my
blessings. First of all I’m so blessed
to have Christ and salvation. I have
been saved from death and hell through Christ and to Christ to do good works. Christ alone is enough for me no matter what
this life brings. I have been deeply
reminded that my greatest treasure on this earth is the Giver, not his
gifts. I’m not belittling the pain of
miscarriage or denying the reality of grief of loss. I don’t have all the answers and I don’t
understand. But I do know that my Father
is walking with me and that He is in control.
In each miscarriage the grief has come differently in
relation to how the loss has come. My
third miscarriage, I spent much of the time before my surgery, grieving and
crying to God to save my baby and when I realized the answer was no, he gave me
his supernatural peace. This time the
final answer came quickly as my baby was gone as soon as I saw him or her. And with that my grief has been gradual as
the reality of what has just happened has sunk in and thoughts of what could
have been flood my mind.
When we told John and Abby, John said “ maybe God will give
us another baby” and Abby replied “yea, God has the plans.” My trust is planted firmly in my precious
Father God who has the plans, so I take each step one day at a time holding fast
to the Almighty Creator.
Sometimes in order to get through the hard times, I look
back at God’s faithfulness. As the Old Testament called Ebenezer stones , thus far the Lord has been with us. I birthed my sweet 4th child, Sam
on August 11, 2017 just 10 months after my last miscarriage. Had my sweet baby survived, I would not have
Sam. And I can’t imagine life without my
sweet Sam. Just a couple of days ago I
was feeling very overwhelmed by laundry, bills, dishes, homeschool and taking
care of my children. And this reminds me
how short life is and how we are not promised tomorrow. It makes me want to be more faithful and
joyful in caring for the sweet children and serving my precious husband . It makes me want to serve God more and trust
him with all my chores and responsibilities.
To my sweet friends walking through miscarriage(or another of life's struggle) sometimes
walking by faith doesn’t look strong, but weak.
It may mean saying “I trust you” even when you don’t feel it and don’t
understand. Or it might mean you say
goodbye too soon. Walking by faith means
we trust in the midst of sadness and pain that God walks with us and never
abandons us. And not only that if you
are a believer my dear friend, the Holy Spirit lives in you and is your
comforter.
