Waiting on Hannah

Just breathe.  Or be still and know that I am God.  Things I’m not so good at doing.   I want a plan, I want to have everything together and I want to map it out so that I will have all my bases covered.  I don’t like survival mode, yet that is the place that I find myself most often.  Abby was almost 3 weeks early, so the fact that I’m still pregnant is a little surprising to me.  I knew and even told myself that just because she was early, didn’t mean that Hannah would be too, but in my heart, I believed she would be early. 

Expectations can get you into a lot of trouble.  Or at least put you in the way of temptation.  When you expect something or even make plans to do something, and it doesn’t happen, temptation is at your door.  The temptation could be to be angry or fearful.  Once given to anger or fear we may try to control our situation, blame God, question God or be given to depression.  Fear is directly connected to our trust in God so as we fear, we remove our trust in God and put it in ourselves. 

This last 2 weeks has been so hard to trust Him.  Like I mentioned, I thought that since Abby was early, Hannah would be too.  So every day, has been a struggle accepting that today was not the day either.  Mike and I had it planned just right in a way that would be perfect for our family.  Hannah would come during Mike’s break and he would be here to help me when she was born.  And now, we are at the point where his break is almost over and Hannah still is not here.  One of the funniest things is that I’m only 39 weeks pregnant, so my due date is still a week away, yet I have been wanting her to come for 2 weeks now.  My expectations of what I thought would happen have shaped my whole outlook to the point where I even dismissed what was really normal. 

So today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy with Hannah.  And I have to step back and ask the Lord for forgiveness for not trusting, being ungrateful and giving way to fear.  I haven’t trusted His plan.  I have in a sense been ungrateful for my sweet girl.  (Beggars can’t be choosers right?) And the fears from earlier in the pregnancy have returned.  After having two miscarriages back to back, you would think I would have “gotten it” by now.  How quickly we turn from realizing all the blessings God has in store.  How quickly we, like the Israelites, turn back to our idols of sin (whatever they may be).  

So when I step back and take a different perspective, I see that Mike and I have gotten some much needed quality time together and our marriage has been strengthened.  (Those of you who have been through the newborn stage, know that quality time is not likely with a newborn).  I see that we have been able to slow down a bit, relax and spend time with our two children.  And I know God has many other reasons why this sweet baby has not entered the world yet, some of which I may never know. 

I’ve never really been good at waiting and this is no different.  I still want my baby to come NOW, but I stop and remember that my job is to “be still and know that He is God.”  I surrender, and will have to surrender with the next Braxton Hicks contraction and several times after.  But I choose to trust Him, surrender my fear and my desire to control.  He is the God of the universe.  He knows what He is doing and He is worthy of my trust, my praise and my thanks.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Hearing that sweet heartbeat was so comforting, such a relief….for about an hour.  Then the fears came back, even stronger.  Maybe they just felt stronger because I didn’t expect them to come back so soon.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get any confirmation that everything really was okay until the next appointment which was over a month away.  The thing is that I would really be okay if we had another miscarriage.  I know that God’s grace would be so strong just as it has in the other situations and just like His grace is when we go through hard times.  What I realized in the midst of this strong fear was that my biggest fear is the unknown.  I want to know for sure that God won’t allow another miscarriage and that my baby will live OR I want to know for sure that my baby will not live and exactly when that will happen.   I desire to control and know rather than trust in God as an all-knowing, all-wise, perfect Savior.   

Although it is hard and I struggle to trust and fight, it is in and through the struggle that my faith grows.  In the midst of the struggle it feels as though I’m falling on my face every time fear knocks at my door.  And there are those moments when I do fail and I have to fight to get back up.  However it is in the struggle that we grow.  Our faith grows and we are able to look back and see how God used these situations to help us to grow. But in the middle of the struggle, it seems so hard, so dark, so hopeless.  I have to hold on God’s promises and have faith.  Faith doesn’t come easy and as Hebrews says, “it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I want to be sure of what I hope for (my baby living) and certain of what I do not see (his/her heartbeat).  I’m holding on to this promise and even as I hold onto it, there is still the temptation to fear that what I am holding onto won’t come to pass and also to fear the pain that comes from believing in something so strongly just to lose it. And I’m not denying the possibility.  But what I am holding on beyond my sweet baby, is that God is a God that works ALL things for good for those who love Him.  I have to choose to believe in the midst of the unknown that no matter what happens, God is still on His throne, He IS the blessed controller of ALL things and he wastes nothing.  Whatever he allows in my life is for a greater purpose than I see.  I don’t have to like it, but I have to trust Him.  And the thing is, I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened.  I’m considering a loss that hasn’t come.  I’m wasting my energy on worry rather than celebrating the life that is growing inside of me and the lives that I have to care for now.  My worries distract me from my daily responsibilities, making me useless.  

I recently read in a book where the author used the story of Moses to show how his parents must have been tempted to fear his safety.  She used the illustration of putting your fears in the basket and trusting them into God’s hands.  Today I put my sweet baby in the basket as a symbol of putting him/her in God’s hands.  I will have to fight not to try to take him/her out of the basket and try to control.  I will long for each appointment to hear that heartbeat, but in the meantime I choose to hold onto Christ, His promises, His love, and His care.  I will continue to have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.   This kind of faith doesn’t come easy and I will continue to struggle, but I do know I WILL be able to look back and see the work God did in my heart.  He is faithful ALWAYS!

My Fifth Pregnancy

Not many people know about our second miscarriage.  It’s not that we didn’t want people to know.  It’s just that, well I’m not even sure.  I guess I didn’t want my status update to be: “we lost another baby.”  The second miscarriage was what’s called a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed.   The second one felt more like a loss of a pregnancy rather than a loss of a baby, but nonetheless, a loss.  I was at a much better place in the first loss, trusting God that He knew he what he was doing, even if I didn't understand. However I did ask questions, like why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why just not get pregnant?  But with the second miscarriage, I was pretty upset that it was happening again....didn't want do feel pregnant if I wasn't really pregnant and didn't want to walk this road AGAIN....I was full of fear at the beginning of the pregnancy when we didn't know if it was a miscarriage or not. During those weeks of uncertainty, I didn't know what/how to pray. But the only comfort came from reading God's word. I didn't know what to say to God, but God had comforting words for me from His word. I think after the first miscarriage, I really felt I handled it well....I was trusting in God's sovereignty and even though I was sad, I was ok. But the second one I was humbled even more because I didn't handle it well. I was mad, fearful and hurt. I wanted my babies to be here, I knew that everything would be okay, but in those moments of uncertainty, I was not ok and I was not happy with my circumstances.(This was in February 2015).

Present day June 2015, we are so excited to be 10 weeks pregnant.  We have an appointment tomorrow and it has been quite a journey to overcome fear.  Pregnancy after miscarriage is much different than my first two pregnancies.  My first two pregnancies were not filled with temptation to fear or visualization about appointments.  In some ways I wish that I could go back and not experience that heartache, change the past and have my sweet baby Daniel and Hope.  But first off, I couldn’t have both of those babies, and I couldn’t be pregnant right now, but the most important reason is: God didn’t allow it to happen that way, and He has a reason.  I may never fully realize why, and that’s ok. 

Sometimes I wish that “zap theology” worked.  That I could pray a prayer that would remove my fear and automatic peace would follow.  But God designed it where we are involved and uses these situations to draw us to Himself.  We are to work to overcome our sin (don’t be confused, I’m not saying work for our salvation).  But when it comes to fear, there is action to be taken.  I have had to work so hard to not fear the loss of this baby.  I have been on a roller coaster of one minute feeling everything is ok, to the next where I’m imagining my husband with cancer and finding out that the reason we have had miscarriage is because he is passing cancer to them.  There have been good days, bad days, hard day and just pure exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of it all, I know that God is calling me to trust in Him.  Reminding me that no matter what He is with me.  He knows what is going to happen and He is and will be with me through it all.  He has been faithful to give me scriptures, books and friends to help me as I walk through the first weeks of this pregnancy.  At about 7 weeks I had a turning point when I read something that talked about God not giving us grace for imagined situations. That worry is a sin and that we need to confess it, not look for grace. (not that God doesn't help us, but it's through confession and forgiveness not grace). I realized that I was just expecting my baby to die instead of living my life, taking care of my children and trusting that my baby was ok, until I learned otherwise.  Since then, the temptation to worry has been present, but I could always look back to that moment when I chose to trust that my baby was ok.  I’m nervous about tomorrow, but I choose to trust.  I don’t want to walk through another loss.  I want my baby to be ok.  But even if he/she is not, I trust the Lord.  He is good.  He is faithful. He is my God and my Savior.  

In Memory of Daniel Moses Crouch

I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant.  I had no symptoms, didn’t feel pregnant and I convinced my husband too, but he made me take the test.  So I did.  I came back and asked….”So, what do you think?  He said “ we’re not”, I said “ but we are!” !  little overwhelmed and shocked but overall excited, we began to tell our family and friends right away.  We were having  #3!  We began to talk about 3 under 3 years!  We decided we would move the play room to the family room and the playroom would become the new nursery. 

I was going to do things different this time: eat better and continue to exercise.  Nervous yet excited, we were planning the arrival of our next baby.  We talked about names, if it was a girl or a boy and we dreamed together what it would be like to have 3 babies!  We discussed how John and Abby would respond and I would make grocery trips.  We went to our 8 week appointment and heard the heartbeat.  We had no idea that would be the 1^st and last time that we would hear it.  We rejoiced at the sight of our baby and made phone calls to let our family know the baby looked great.  

Our 12 week appointment came along and Mike decided not to go.  He usually just went to appointments with an ultrasound.  He did this with Abby and it was no big deal. We had two, successful, easy pregnancies and we expected this would be the same.  On my way to drop the kids off with a friend, I began to think about the appointment. “ What if there’s not a heartbeat?  What will I do?  I’m going to this appointment by myself? What am I going to do if there’s no heartbeat? ….Well, I’m going to trust the Lord and know that He will take care of us.”    With the other pregnancies, I have had thoughts of there not being a heartbeat, but those thoughts were different.  With the first two pregnancies, it was more a longing that I could be reassured that everything was okay, with the confirmation of a heartbeat.  I’m not one to consider what I will do in certain situations.  I usually will just deal with the bad things IF they come, not develop a plan of how I will handle them if they come.  Looking back, I can’t help but see the grace of God preparing me for the trust of life that I was about to face.  

I dropped the kids off and went to my appointment.  I followed the normal procedures and began to talk to the nurse about how good I had been feeling.  I talked with her about how I had been itching again but that I know how to handle it this time around.  She said everything looked good and walked me to the ultrasound room.  I walked in and sat down.  Dr. Green came in and asked the routine questions, the prepared for the ultrasound.  He put the scanner on my belly and there was no sound.  From the past I remember hearing the heartbeat immediately, so I asked him if the sound was on.  He answered “not yet.”  I began watching the screen and watching his face.  I saw it in his face that something was wrong, SO I asked him “there’s no heartbeat, is there?”  He said “no, I was trying to figure out a good way to tell you.”  I began to cry, I called out “ I knew it, I just knew.”  He replied “it’s the most common fear.”  I said I had to call Mike and cried out “no, no, no”  I grabbed my phone and called Mike.  Dr. Green offered to talk to him, but I said I wanted to tell him.  It rang slower than ever and I knew he knew something was wrong when he answered.  “they couldn't find a heartbeat” I told him “He’s gone, our baby is gone.”  I don’t remember all the details of our conversation ….he told me he was coming home, but I remember telling him I didn't know what to do, that I would call him later.   When Dr. Green came back in, I told him I wanted to see the ultrasound.  He showed me how on the ultrasound the movement was either red or blue and where the baby was, there was no movement.  He offered me the ultrasound pictures and my nurse was there to hug me and tell me how sorry she was….Everything else is a blur.  The next day I had a D & C to remove the baby.  

The support was overwhelming.  I was surprised to find out how many people had had miscarriages.  The cards, Facebook comments, texts and other messages were such a comfort during this time. We thought that it was a boy (thought they couldn’t medically determine it).  I was having boy pregnancy symptoms, so we decided to name him Daniel Moses.  Mike liked the name Daniel and I was studying Moses at the time.  Moses is such a great example for us to live our Christian lives.  He failed so much, but was also very faithful.  He trusted in God when he didn’t always understand and he didn’t get to enter the promise land.  But he knew he had a greater future in heaven. 

I have so many ways that this miscarriage has changed me forever.  I will never be the same.  Today, April 30, 2015 would have been his due date.  I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but that’s not my job.   

Romans 8:18 says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  

So I hold on to the hope that God’s glory will be revealed in us.  One day I will hold my sweet baby.  Until then, I can only trust in God’s promises knowing that He works all things to the good of those who love Him. 

I know that so many people suffer in silence from miscarriages.  So please know you are not alone if you have suffered a loss of this kind.  Not everyone understands, I certainly didn’t.  But know that just because everyone doesn't understand, there are a lot of people that do understand and a God that completely understands.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

Looking for change in all the wrong places

I’ve been here before.  I’ve said these words.  I know I need to change.  I want to say I don’t know how to change, but the bottom line is I don’t really WANT to change.  In other words, I don’t want to do what it takes to change, I want the change to just happen.  I guess like a caterpillar in a cocoon, I want someone to cut me out, instead of fighting my way out.  I don’t want to evaluate every thought and take it captive and make it obedient to the Lord.(2 Cor 10:5)  I don’t want to be kind, compassionate or humble.  I would rather defend myself and be mean to my children because they are in the way of me finishing my chores. 

Well not really, I don’t want to be that person, so why am I still here?  Why do I continue in patterns of anger?  Why don’t I just change?  I want so bad to be different.  I want to be the perfect wife and mom who has it all together.  I want to post all over Facebook how my children behave so well, I feed them so nutritiously and how I might just be the best mom ever to live.  I want to be recognized and noticed.  I want to have all the answers for all other moms everywhere.  I would like to say that I have finally figured out how to be the perfect parent and now all you have to do is follow my 3 step plan and pronounce me mom of the year.  I don’t even want your money, I just want your recognition and praise.  Do you see it?  My motivation is not to change, my motivation is ALL about me.  I want to be great, I want to be lifted up, I want my life to be all about me.  The root problem: I’m prideful.  It manifests itself in several way (which I will go in to detail in another post).  Some ways are through self-pity, people pleasing, perfectionism and wanting recognition.

My pride has roots deep in my soul.  I’m really good at realizing the sin, confessing it and doing nothing different.  Maybe the reason I feel like a crazy person is because (well I am a little crazy) but I am doing the same thing, expecting different results.  I’m ready to change and do something different.   If you have dealt with pride in your own life, I would love to hear your story.  Maybe you can relate and would like to take this journey with me.  It doesn’t have to be pride.  Do you have a habitual sin that you want to conquer?  Are you really ready to change?

I will be using the following outline taken from  2 Timothy 3:14-17 

"You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

4 steps  (bolded in the verse above)

1.      Teaching- What does the Bible say about Pride?

2.      Conviction- How is it manifest in my life?

3.      Correction -What does the Bible say about humility(opposite of pride)?

4.      Disciplined Training in Righteousness-How will I change?

^{I'm blogging about this for accountability.  If I post it, I'm more likely to follow up with the process.  I'm excited and am hopeful for change because God's Word says we can change.}  

The outline is from Jay Adams’ book “How to help people change” (http://www.amazon.com/How-Help-People-Change-Adams/dp/031051181X).