Waiting on Hannah

Just breathe.  Or be still and know that I am God.  Things I’m not so good at doing.   I want a plan, I want to have everything together and I want to map it out so that I will have all my bases covered.  I don’t like survival mode, yet that is the place that I find myself most often.  Abby was almost 3 weeks early, so the fact that I’m still pregnant is a little surprising to me.  I knew and even told myself that just because she was early, didn’t mean that Hannah would be too, but in my heart, I believed she would be early. 

Expectations can get you into a lot of trouble.  Or at least put you in the way of temptation.  When you expect something or even make plans to do something, and it doesn’t happen, temptation is at your door.  The temptation could be to be angry or fearful.  Once given to anger or fear we may try to control our situation, blame God, question God or be given to depression.  Fear is directly connected to our trust in God so as we fear, we remove our trust in God and put it in ourselves. 

This last 2 weeks has been so hard to trust Him.  Like I mentioned, I thought that since Abby was early, Hannah would be too.  So every day, has been a struggle accepting that today was not the day either.  Mike and I had it planned just right in a way that would be perfect for our family.  Hannah would come during Mike’s break and he would be here to help me when she was born.  And now, we are at the point where his break is almost over and Hannah still is not here.  One of the funniest things is that I’m only 39 weeks pregnant, so my due date is still a week away, yet I have been wanting her to come for 2 weeks now.  My expectations of what I thought would happen have shaped my whole outlook to the point where I even dismissed what was really normal. 

So today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy with Hannah.  And I have to step back and ask the Lord for forgiveness for not trusting, being ungrateful and giving way to fear.  I haven’t trusted His plan.  I have in a sense been ungrateful for my sweet girl.  (Beggars can’t be choosers right?) And the fears from earlier in the pregnancy have returned.  After having two miscarriages back to back, you would think I would have “gotten it” by now.  How quickly we turn from realizing all the blessings God has in store.  How quickly we, like the Israelites, turn back to our idols of sin (whatever they may be).  

So when I step back and take a different perspective, I see that Mike and I have gotten some much needed quality time together and our marriage has been strengthened.  (Those of you who have been through the newborn stage, know that quality time is not likely with a newborn).  I see that we have been able to slow down a bit, relax and spend time with our two children.  And I know God has many other reasons why this sweet baby has not entered the world yet, some of which I may never know. 

I’ve never really been good at waiting and this is no different.  I still want my baby to come NOW, but I stop and remember that my job is to “be still and know that He is God.”  I surrender, and will have to surrender with the next Braxton Hicks contraction and several times after.  But I choose to trust Him, surrender my fear and my desire to control.  He is the God of the universe.  He knows what He is doing and He is worthy of my trust, my praise and my thanks.

Bloom Where You are Planted

Bloom where you are planted.  When I was growing up, my mom had a plaque hanging in our house that said this.  Just recently, I have really been contemplating what it means.  Bloom where you are planted.  Be content with what you have.  Enjoy the moments and the days that you are blessed with.  Most of us are always looking for the next thing.  We say things (if only to ourselves) like “ When I do this, then life will be complete.”  When we were little, it was most likely looking ahead to something like driving….man when I can drive….. then when I graduate, then when I get married….then when I have kids….. and then when the kids are gone….

There is a part of us that longs for more.  More of something.  We don’t really know how to bloom where we are planted.  It doesn’t come naturally to live right here where I am today.  I want to be more organized, more patient and kind.  I want to  get so many things done.  Yes I’ve said this before.  I’ve thought about it and blogged about it and complained about it.  But today is different because I’m not just here to harp about how I need to change.  I am actually looking to change.  I’m thinking about how I can change and really overcome the idol of organization and perfection.  I don’t want to just talk about blooming where I am planted.  I really want to do it.  I don’t want it to become an idol in itself, but what I want to do is seek God daily, recognize the season of life that I am is and count my blessings. 

When I was single, I longed for the day that I was married.  I love to minister to single ladies now because looking back I see how precious those days were, just me and my savior.  I don’t regret any of how my life has turned out, I wouldn’t go back to being single, however, there were precious days of singleness where I was so close to the Lord.  But I didn’t see that when I was single.  I was too busy wanting to be married.  Marriage has added a different dimension to my relationship with God.  There is a sanctification that comes with marriage.  As my sister told me before I got married, “Marriage is a mirror, where your faults are all reflected.” I have grown more spiritually and recognized sin in my life in a way that I never did when I was single.   Children have brought even a deeper level of sanctification.  I have learned the depth of my selfishness and lack of patience.  I never thought I would be mean to my children.  But sadly, there are days (more than I care to admit), that my agenda is more important than my relationship with my children.  Yet I know that God is shaping me and refining me through my children.  When I step back and reflect, I am amazed at the beauty of each season of my life.  But it is hard in the middle of a season to see the beauty.  It is usually only after it is passed that I look back and say, man I wish I would have….. So here I am in my season of marriage and parenting.  And I am looking to find the beauty.  I am seeking to bloom where I am planted rather than looking ahead to something else or being mad that I’m here. 

At church yesterday we were in the middle of a worship song, and I had to take my son out to the nursery.  It interrupted the “worship experience” for me.  I was tempted to look on stage at the worship team at one single girl in particular and think “she has no idea how special this time is.”  But I stopped and realized that I am that same girl that has “no idea how special this time is.”  I have no idea how special this time is.  It may not be like it was when I was single.  It’s not supposed to be.  I may not get to worship uninterrupted.  I may not get hours in the word of God like I used to.  My relationship with God doesn’t look the same as it did when I was single or without children.  But it’s not supposed to.  Just because it is different, doesn’t mean that there is something wrong.  This doesn’t mean that I come up with excuses to not spend time with God.  It just means that I need Him now more than ever.  I want to have hours with the Lord, reading his word.  Instead I have hours with the Lord, caring for my children.  What we see as an interruption, is a moment to praise the Lord.

I am learning to be thankful for what I have instead of looking at what someone else has.  I am learning to look at what really matters instead of my own agenda.  I am learning that I know nothing about having an eternal perspective, but I am praying that God will change my heart of stone into one that is concerned with glorifying God in every moment, instead of glorifying myself.