Just breathe. Or be
still and know that I am God. Things I’m
not so good at doing. I want a plan, I
want to have everything together and I want to map it out so that I will have
all my bases covered. I don’t like
survival mode, yet that is the place that I find myself most often. Abby was almost 3 weeks early, so the fact
that I’m still pregnant is a little surprising to me. I knew and even told myself that just because
she was early, didn’t mean that Hannah would be too, but in my heart, I
believed she would be early.
Expectations can get you into a lot of trouble. Or at least put you in the way of
temptation. When you expect something or
even make plans to do something, and it doesn’t happen, temptation is at your
door. The temptation could be to be
angry or fearful. Once given to anger or
fear we may try to control our situation, blame God, question God or be given
to depression. Fear is directly
connected to our trust in God so as we fear, we remove our trust in God and put
it in ourselves.
This last 2 weeks has been so hard to trust Him. Like I mentioned, I thought that since Abby
was early, Hannah would be too. So every
day, has been a struggle accepting that today was not the day either. Mike and I had it planned just right in a way
that would be perfect for our family.
Hannah would come during Mike’s break and he would be here to help me
when she was born. And now, we are at
the point where his break is almost over and Hannah still is not here. One of the funniest things is that I’m only
39 weeks pregnant, so my due date is still a week away, yet I have been wanting
her to come for 2 weeks now. My
expectations of what I thought would happen have shaped my whole outlook to the
point where I even dismissed what was really normal.
So today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy with Hannah. And I have to step back and ask the Lord for forgiveness
for not trusting, being ungrateful and giving way to fear. I haven’t trusted His plan. I have in a sense been ungrateful for my
sweet girl. (Beggars can’t be choosers
right?) And the fears from earlier in the pregnancy have returned. After having two miscarriages back to back,
you would think I would have “gotten it” by now. How quickly we turn from realizing all the
blessings God has in store. How quickly
we, like the Israelites, turn back to our idols of sin (whatever they may be).
So when I step back and take a different perspective, I see
that Mike and I have gotten some much needed quality time together and our
marriage has been strengthened. (Those
of you who have been through the newborn stage, know that quality time is not likely
with a newborn). I see that we have been
able to slow down a bit, relax and spend time with our two children. And I know God has many other reasons why
this sweet baby has not entered the world yet, some of which I may never
know.
I’ve never really been good at waiting and this is no
different. I still want my baby to come
NOW, but I stop and remember that my job is to “be still and know that He is
God.” I surrender, and will have to
surrender with the next Braxton Hicks contraction and several times after. But I choose to trust Him, surrender my fear
and my desire to control. He is the God
of the universe. He knows what He is
doing and He is worthy of my trust, my praise and my thanks.
