Pregnancy after miscarriage

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Hearing that sweet heartbeat was so comforting, such a relief….for about an hour.  Then the fears came back, even stronger.  Maybe they just felt stronger because I didn’t expect them to come back so soon.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get any confirmation that everything really was okay until the next appointment which was over a month away.  The thing is that I would really be okay if we had another miscarriage.  I know that God’s grace would be so strong just as it has in the other situations and just like His grace is when we go through hard times.  What I realized in the midst of this strong fear was that my biggest fear is the unknown.  I want to know for sure that God won’t allow another miscarriage and that my baby will live OR I want to know for sure that my baby will not live and exactly when that will happen.   I desire to control and know rather than trust in God as an all-knowing, all-wise, perfect Savior.   

Although it is hard and I struggle to trust and fight, it is in and through the struggle that my faith grows.  In the midst of the struggle it feels as though I’m falling on my face every time fear knocks at my door.  And there are those moments when I do fail and I have to fight to get back up.  However it is in the struggle that we grow.  Our faith grows and we are able to look back and see how God used these situations to help us to grow. But in the middle of the struggle, it seems so hard, so dark, so hopeless.  I have to hold on God’s promises and have faith.  Faith doesn’t come easy and as Hebrews says, “it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I want to be sure of what I hope for (my baby living) and certain of what I do not see (his/her heartbeat).  I’m holding on to this promise and even as I hold onto it, there is still the temptation to fear that what I am holding onto won’t come to pass and also to fear the pain that comes from believing in something so strongly just to lose it. And I’m not denying the possibility.  But what I am holding on beyond my sweet baby, is that God is a God that works ALL things for good for those who love Him.  I have to choose to believe in the midst of the unknown that no matter what happens, God is still on His throne, He IS the blessed controller of ALL things and he wastes nothing.  Whatever he allows in my life is for a greater purpose than I see.  I don’t have to like it, but I have to trust Him.  And the thing is, I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened.  I’m considering a loss that hasn’t come.  I’m wasting my energy on worry rather than celebrating the life that is growing inside of me and the lives that I have to care for now.  My worries distract me from my daily responsibilities, making me useless.  

I recently read in a book where the author used the story of Moses to show how his parents must have been tempted to fear his safety.  She used the illustration of putting your fears in the basket and trusting them into God’s hands.  Today I put my sweet baby in the basket as a symbol of putting him/her in God’s hands.  I will have to fight not to try to take him/her out of the basket and try to control.  I will long for each appointment to hear that heartbeat, but in the meantime I choose to hold onto Christ, His promises, His love, and His care.  I will continue to have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.   This kind of faith doesn’t come easy and I will continue to struggle, but I do know I WILL be able to look back and see the work God did in my heart.  He is faithful ALWAYS!

My Fifth Pregnancy

Not many people know about our second miscarriage.  It’s not that we didn’t want people to know.  It’s just that, well I’m not even sure.  I guess I didn’t want my status update to be: “we lost another baby.”  The second miscarriage was what’s called a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed.   The second one felt more like a loss of a pregnancy rather than a loss of a baby, but nonetheless, a loss.  I was at a much better place in the first loss, trusting God that He knew he what he was doing, even if I didn't understand. However I did ask questions, like why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why just not get pregnant?  But with the second miscarriage, I was pretty upset that it was happening again....didn't want do feel pregnant if I wasn't really pregnant and didn't want to walk this road AGAIN....I was full of fear at the beginning of the pregnancy when we didn't know if it was a miscarriage or not. During those weeks of uncertainty, I didn't know what/how to pray. But the only comfort came from reading God's word. I didn't know what to say to God, but God had comforting words for me from His word. I think after the first miscarriage, I really felt I handled it well....I was trusting in God's sovereignty and even though I was sad, I was ok. But the second one I was humbled even more because I didn't handle it well. I was mad, fearful and hurt. I wanted my babies to be here, I knew that everything would be okay, but in those moments of uncertainty, I was not ok and I was not happy with my circumstances.(This was in February 2015).

Present day June 2015, we are so excited to be 10 weeks pregnant.  We have an appointment tomorrow and it has been quite a journey to overcome fear.  Pregnancy after miscarriage is much different than my first two pregnancies.  My first two pregnancies were not filled with temptation to fear or visualization about appointments.  In some ways I wish that I could go back and not experience that heartache, change the past and have my sweet baby Daniel and Hope.  But first off, I couldn’t have both of those babies, and I couldn’t be pregnant right now, but the most important reason is: God didn’t allow it to happen that way, and He has a reason.  I may never fully realize why, and that’s ok. 

Sometimes I wish that “zap theology” worked.  That I could pray a prayer that would remove my fear and automatic peace would follow.  But God designed it where we are involved and uses these situations to draw us to Himself.  We are to work to overcome our sin (don’t be confused, I’m not saying work for our salvation).  But when it comes to fear, there is action to be taken.  I have had to work so hard to not fear the loss of this baby.  I have been on a roller coaster of one minute feeling everything is ok, to the next where I’m imagining my husband with cancer and finding out that the reason we have had miscarriage is because he is passing cancer to them.  There have been good days, bad days, hard day and just pure exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of it all, I know that God is calling me to trust in Him.  Reminding me that no matter what He is with me.  He knows what is going to happen and He is and will be with me through it all.  He has been faithful to give me scriptures, books and friends to help me as I walk through the first weeks of this pregnancy.  At about 7 weeks I had a turning point when I read something that talked about God not giving us grace for imagined situations. That worry is a sin and that we need to confess it, not look for grace. (not that God doesn't help us, but it's through confession and forgiveness not grace). I realized that I was just expecting my baby to die instead of living my life, taking care of my children and trusting that my baby was ok, until I learned otherwise.  Since then, the temptation to worry has been present, but I could always look back to that moment when I chose to trust that my baby was ok.  I’m nervous about tomorrow, but I choose to trust.  I don’t want to walk through another loss.  I want my baby to be ok.  But even if he/she is not, I trust the Lord.  He is good.  He is faithful. He is my God and my Savior.