Celebrating Life in the Midst of Heartache

Every miscarriage is different, just like every birth is different.  I have grown to love birth stories.  It has taken birthing several of my own to get there, but I’m one of those crazies that loves them.  I love to hear all the details of how the labor began, how long it took, what was it like and all the emotions that go with it.  And no woman ever forgets her children’s birth stories.  I love the stories of new life coming into this world.  I don’t really love the stories of the losses, but nonetheless, I will continue to tell them.  In hopes that God can use my pain to help someone else walk through their loss.

I had started feeling pregnant, which consists of falling asleep uncontrollably and feeling very mean (and if I’m honest acting on it.)  We were very excited and told the children right away.  John was so excited that he was telling everyone at church.  We rejoiced and started to think of our family with 5 children.  As usual, we started discussing names and I started googling 15 passenger vans OR how to fit 3 carseats on one row.  I felt very nervous about handling 5 children, but still was so excited. 

I didn’t struggle too much with fear waiting the couple of weeks until our doctor’s appointment.  I just kept telling myself that it was in God’s hands and that I had no reason to be worried, and for that I am thankful.  The day of the appointment I was pretty  nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Then I began explaining to the ultrasound tech my situation and she said we could try looking up top first.  When she looked she said she couldn't see very well.  As she switched to the internal ultrasound, I couldn’t see what we were looking at exactly, but I also couldn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart sunk and I just knew.  There was no heartbeat. I should have been 9 weeks along, my sack was measuring seven and the baby only six weeks.

For those of you who have watched me walk through the other miscarriages, you have probably read my post about the last miscarriage (http://crouch23.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-3rd-miscarriage.html) God miraculously gave me peace about that baby being gone, but the focus of that was His peace and not on the struggle that happened before the peace came.  As I said, every miscarriage is different and this one has been heavy.  I feel  at peace, but I am heavily burdened with sadness.  I know it will get easier as it always does, but with this miscarriage I never got to see my baby alive.  The first time I saw my baby, there was no heartbeat.  And it’s possible that baby was dead by the time I found out I was pregnant. 

In my last post over a year and a half ago, I spoke very strongly that by grace I will always celebrate life.  My pain right now in the face of my baby being gone makes it difficult to celebrate life.  My appointment was two days before my birthday and three days before Mother’s Day.  I have an amazing husband, and 4 beautiful children that I celebrate, but another loss was not what I considered a great birthday present.  My birthday and Mother’s day this year were hard.  I haven’t really felt like celebrating.  Yet I think of a different perspective.  Birthdays are celebration of life and our lives are more than just the good moments.  It’s also life’s struggles that form our character and make us who we are.  The hard times force us to cling to God and to mold us to be more Christ-like.  I want my life to be a reflection of Christ.  I want him to shine through me and give me reason to celebrate even in the midst of heartache.  For without Christ I am nothing and I am so thankful that he chose to give me life and that he has allowed me to produce life.  What a special gift.  And even in light of my most current loss, I want to be thankful for that life he gave me for the short time that I had it.  So even though I don’t feel like celebrating, I chose to.  I look to my blessings.  First of all I’m so blessed to have Christ and salvation.  I have been saved from death and hell through Christ and to Christ to do good works.  Christ alone is enough for me no matter what this life brings.   I have been deeply reminded that my greatest treasure on this earth is the Giver, not his gifts.  I’m not belittling the pain of miscarriage or denying the reality of grief of loss.  I don’t have all the answers and I don’t understand.  But I do know that my Father is walking with me and that He is in control.

In each miscarriage the grief has come differently in relation to how the loss has come.  My third miscarriage, I spent much of the time before my surgery, grieving and crying to God to save my baby and when I realized the answer was no, he gave me his supernatural peace.  This time the final answer came quickly as my baby was gone as soon as I saw him or her.  And with that my grief has been gradual as the reality of what has just happened has sunk in and thoughts of what could have been flood my mind. 

When we told John and Abby, John said “ maybe God will give us another baby” and Abby replied “yea, God has the plans.”  My trust is planted firmly in my precious Father God who has the plans, so I take each step one day at a time holding fast to the Almighty Creator.    

Sometimes in order to get through the hard times, I look back at God’s faithfulness.  As the Old Testament called Ebenezer stones , thus far the Lord has been with us.  I birthed my sweet 4^th child, Sam on August 11, 2017 just 10 months after my last miscarriage.  Had my sweet baby survived, I would not have Sam.  And I can’t imagine life without my sweet Sam.  Just a couple of days ago I was feeling very overwhelmed by laundry, bills, dishes, homeschool and taking care of my children.  And this reminds me how short life is and how we are not promised tomorrow.  It makes me want to be more faithful and joyful in caring for the sweet children and serving my precious husband .  It makes me want to serve God more and trust him with all my chores and responsibilities.    

To my sweet friends walking through miscarriage(or another of life's struggle) sometimes walking by faith doesn’t look strong, but weak.  It may mean saying “I trust you” even when you don’t feel it and don’t understand.  Or it might mean you say goodbye too soon.  Walking by faith means we trust in the midst of sadness and pain that God walks with us and never abandons us.  And not only that if you are a believer my dear friend, the Holy Spirit lives in you and is your comforter. 

Psalms 61
Hear my cry, O God,    listen to my prayer;² from the end of the earth I call to you    when my heart is faintLead me to the rock    that is higher than I,³ for you have been my refuge,    a strong tower against the enemy.⁴ Let me dwell in your tent forever!    Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah⁵ For you, O God, have heard my vows;    you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.⁶ Prolong the life of the king;    may his years endure to all generations!⁷ May he be enthroned forever before God;    appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him!⁸ So will I ever sing praises to your name,    as I perform my vows day after day.

My Fifth Pregnancy

Not many people know about our second miscarriage.  It’s not that we didn’t want people to know.  It’s just that, well I’m not even sure.  I guess I didn’t want my status update to be: “we lost another baby.”  The second miscarriage was what’s called a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed.   The second one felt more like a loss of a pregnancy rather than a loss of a baby, but nonetheless, a loss.  I was at a much better place in the first loss, trusting God that He knew he what he was doing, even if I didn't understand. However I did ask questions, like why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why just not get pregnant?  But with the second miscarriage, I was pretty upset that it was happening again....didn't want do feel pregnant if I wasn't really pregnant and didn't want to walk this road AGAIN....I was full of fear at the beginning of the pregnancy when we didn't know if it was a miscarriage or not. During those weeks of uncertainty, I didn't know what/how to pray. But the only comfort came from reading God's word. I didn't know what to say to God, but God had comforting words for me from His word. I think after the first miscarriage, I really felt I handled it well....I was trusting in God's sovereignty and even though I was sad, I was ok. But the second one I was humbled even more because I didn't handle it well. I was mad, fearful and hurt. I wanted my babies to be here, I knew that everything would be okay, but in those moments of uncertainty, I was not ok and I was not happy with my circumstances.(This was in February 2015).

Present day June 2015, we are so excited to be 10 weeks pregnant.  We have an appointment tomorrow and it has been quite a journey to overcome fear.  Pregnancy after miscarriage is much different than my first two pregnancies.  My first two pregnancies were not filled with temptation to fear or visualization about appointments.  In some ways I wish that I could go back and not experience that heartache, change the past and have my sweet baby Daniel and Hope.  But first off, I couldn’t have both of those babies, and I couldn’t be pregnant right now, but the most important reason is: God didn’t allow it to happen that way, and He has a reason.  I may never fully realize why, and that’s ok. 

Sometimes I wish that “zap theology” worked.  That I could pray a prayer that would remove my fear and automatic peace would follow.  But God designed it where we are involved and uses these situations to draw us to Himself.  We are to work to overcome our sin (don’t be confused, I’m not saying work for our salvation).  But when it comes to fear, there is action to be taken.  I have had to work so hard to not fear the loss of this baby.  I have been on a roller coaster of one minute feeling everything is ok, to the next where I’m imagining my husband with cancer and finding out that the reason we have had miscarriage is because he is passing cancer to them.  There have been good days, bad days, hard day and just pure exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of it all, I know that God is calling me to trust in Him.  Reminding me that no matter what He is with me.  He knows what is going to happen and He is and will be with me through it all.  He has been faithful to give me scriptures, books and friends to help me as I walk through the first weeks of this pregnancy.  At about 7 weeks I had a turning point when I read something that talked about God not giving us grace for imagined situations. That worry is a sin and that we need to confess it, not look for grace. (not that God doesn't help us, but it's through confession and forgiveness not grace). I realized that I was just expecting my baby to die instead of living my life, taking care of my children and trusting that my baby was ok, until I learned otherwise.  Since then, the temptation to worry has been present, but I could always look back to that moment when I chose to trust that my baby was ok.  I’m nervous about tomorrow, but I choose to trust.  I don’t want to walk through another loss.  I want my baby to be ok.  But even if he/she is not, I trust the Lord.  He is good.  He is faithful. He is my God and my Savior.  

In Memory of Daniel Moses Crouch

I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant.  I had no symptoms, didn’t feel pregnant and I convinced my husband too, but he made me take the test.  So I did.  I came back and asked….”So, what do you think?  He said “ we’re not”, I said “ but we are!” !  little overwhelmed and shocked but overall excited, we began to tell our family and friends right away.  We were having  #3!  We began to talk about 3 under 3 years!  We decided we would move the play room to the family room and the playroom would become the new nursery. 

I was going to do things different this time: eat better and continue to exercise.  Nervous yet excited, we were planning the arrival of our next baby.  We talked about names, if it was a girl or a boy and we dreamed together what it would be like to have 3 babies!  We discussed how John and Abby would respond and I would make grocery trips.  We went to our 8 week appointment and heard the heartbeat.  We had no idea that would be the 1^st and last time that we would hear it.  We rejoiced at the sight of our baby and made phone calls to let our family know the baby looked great.  

Our 12 week appointment came along and Mike decided not to go.  He usually just went to appointments with an ultrasound.  He did this with Abby and it was no big deal. We had two, successful, easy pregnancies and we expected this would be the same.  On my way to drop the kids off with a friend, I began to think about the appointment. “ What if there’s not a heartbeat?  What will I do?  I’m going to this appointment by myself? What am I going to do if there’s no heartbeat? ….Well, I’m going to trust the Lord and know that He will take care of us.”    With the other pregnancies, I have had thoughts of there not being a heartbeat, but those thoughts were different.  With the first two pregnancies, it was more a longing that I could be reassured that everything was okay, with the confirmation of a heartbeat.  I’m not one to consider what I will do in certain situations.  I usually will just deal with the bad things IF they come, not develop a plan of how I will handle them if they come.  Looking back, I can’t help but see the grace of God preparing me for the trust of life that I was about to face.  

I dropped the kids off and went to my appointment.  I followed the normal procedures and began to talk to the nurse about how good I had been feeling.  I talked with her about how I had been itching again but that I know how to handle it this time around.  She said everything looked good and walked me to the ultrasound room.  I walked in and sat down.  Dr. Green came in and asked the routine questions, the prepared for the ultrasound.  He put the scanner on my belly and there was no sound.  From the past I remember hearing the heartbeat immediately, so I asked him if the sound was on.  He answered “not yet.”  I began watching the screen and watching his face.  I saw it in his face that something was wrong, SO I asked him “there’s no heartbeat, is there?”  He said “no, I was trying to figure out a good way to tell you.”  I began to cry, I called out “ I knew it, I just knew.”  He replied “it’s the most common fear.”  I said I had to call Mike and cried out “no, no, no”  I grabbed my phone and called Mike.  Dr. Green offered to talk to him, but I said I wanted to tell him.  It rang slower than ever and I knew he knew something was wrong when he answered.  “they couldn't find a heartbeat” I told him “He’s gone, our baby is gone.”  I don’t remember all the details of our conversation ….he told me he was coming home, but I remember telling him I didn't know what to do, that I would call him later.   When Dr. Green came back in, I told him I wanted to see the ultrasound.  He showed me how on the ultrasound the movement was either red or blue and where the baby was, there was no movement.  He offered me the ultrasound pictures and my nurse was there to hug me and tell me how sorry she was….Everything else is a blur.  The next day I had a D & C to remove the baby.  

The support was overwhelming.  I was surprised to find out how many people had had miscarriages.  The cards, Facebook comments, texts and other messages were such a comfort during this time. We thought that it was a boy (thought they couldn’t medically determine it).  I was having boy pregnancy symptoms, so we decided to name him Daniel Moses.  Mike liked the name Daniel and I was studying Moses at the time.  Moses is such a great example for us to live our Christian lives.  He failed so much, but was also very faithful.  He trusted in God when he didn’t always understand and he didn’t get to enter the promise land.  But he knew he had a greater future in heaven. 

I have so many ways that this miscarriage has changed me forever.  I will never be the same.  Today, April 30, 2015 would have been his due date.  I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but that’s not my job.   

Romans 8:18 says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  

So I hold on to the hope that God’s glory will be revealed in us.  One day I will hold my sweet baby.  Until then, I can only trust in God’s promises knowing that He works all things to the good of those who love Him. 

I know that so many people suffer in silence from miscarriages.  So please know you are not alone if you have suffered a loss of this kind.  Not everyone understands, I certainly didn’t.  But know that just because everyone doesn't understand, there are a lot of people that do understand and a God that completely understands.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."

Looking for change in all the wrong places

I’ve been here before.  I’ve said these words.  I know I need to change.  I want to say I don’t know how to change, but the bottom line is I don’t really WANT to change.  In other words, I don’t want to do what it takes to change, I want the change to just happen.  I guess like a caterpillar in a cocoon, I want someone to cut me out, instead of fighting my way out.  I don’t want to evaluate every thought and take it captive and make it obedient to the Lord.(2 Cor 10:5)  I don’t want to be kind, compassionate or humble.  I would rather defend myself and be mean to my children because they are in the way of me finishing my chores. 

Well not really, I don’t want to be that person, so why am I still here?  Why do I continue in patterns of anger?  Why don’t I just change?  I want so bad to be different.  I want to be the perfect wife and mom who has it all together.  I want to post all over Facebook how my children behave so well, I feed them so nutritiously and how I might just be the best mom ever to live.  I want to be recognized and noticed.  I want to have all the answers for all other moms everywhere.  I would like to say that I have finally figured out how to be the perfect parent and now all you have to do is follow my 3 step plan and pronounce me mom of the year.  I don’t even want your money, I just want your recognition and praise.  Do you see it?  My motivation is not to change, my motivation is ALL about me.  I want to be great, I want to be lifted up, I want my life to be all about me.  The root problem: I’m prideful.  It manifests itself in several way (which I will go in to detail in another post).  Some ways are through self-pity, people pleasing, perfectionism and wanting recognition.

My pride has roots deep in my soul.  I’m really good at realizing the sin, confessing it and doing nothing different.  Maybe the reason I feel like a crazy person is because (well I am a little crazy) but I am doing the same thing, expecting different results.  I’m ready to change and do something different.   If you have dealt with pride in your own life, I would love to hear your story.  Maybe you can relate and would like to take this journey with me.  It doesn’t have to be pride.  Do you have a habitual sin that you want to conquer?  Are you really ready to change?

I will be using the following outline taken from  2 Timothy 3:14-17 

"You, however, continue in the things you have learned and become convinced of, knowing from whom you have learned them, and that from childhood you have known the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus. All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work."

4 steps  (bolded in the verse above)

1.      Teaching- What does the Bible say about Pride?

2.      Conviction- How is it manifest in my life?

3.      Correction -What does the Bible say about humility(opposite of pride)?

4.      Disciplined Training in Righteousness-How will I change?

^{I'm blogging about this for accountability.  If I post it, I'm more likely to follow up with the process.  I'm excited and am hopeful for change because God's Word says we can change.}  

The outline is from Jay Adams’ book “How to help people change” (http://www.amazon.com/How-Help-People-Change-Adams/dp/031051181X).