Celebrating Life in the Midst of Heartache

Every miscarriage is different, just like every birth is different.  I have grown to love birth stories.  It has taken birthing several of my own to get there, but I’m one of those crazies that loves them.  I love to hear all the details of how the labor began, how long it took, what was it like and all the emotions that go with it.  And no woman ever forgets her children’s birth stories.  I love the stories of new life coming into this world.  I don’t really love the stories of the losses, but nonetheless, I will continue to tell them.  In hopes that God can use my pain to help someone else walk through their loss.

I had started feeling pregnant, which consists of falling asleep uncontrollably and feeling very mean (and if I’m honest acting on it.)  We were very excited and told the children right away.  John was so excited that he was telling everyone at church.  We rejoiced and started to think of our family with 5 children.  As usual, we started discussing names and I started googling 15 passenger vans OR how to fit 3 carseats on one row.  I felt very nervous about handling 5 children, but still was so excited. 

I didn’t struggle too much with fear waiting the couple of weeks until our doctor’s appointment.  I just kept telling myself that it was in God’s hands and that I had no reason to be worried, and for that I am thankful.  The day of the appointment I was pretty  nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Then I began explaining to the ultrasound tech my situation and she said we could try looking up top first.  When she looked she said she couldn't see very well.  As she switched to the internal ultrasound, I couldn’t see what we were looking at exactly, but I also couldn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart sunk and I just knew.  There was no heartbeat. I should have been 9 weeks along, my sack was measuring seven and the baby only six weeks.

For those of you who have watched me walk through the other miscarriages, you have probably read my post about the last miscarriage (http://crouch23.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-3rd-miscarriage.html) God miraculously gave me peace about that baby being gone, but the focus of that was His peace and not on the struggle that happened before the peace came.  As I said, every miscarriage is different and this one has been heavy.  I feel  at peace, but I am heavily burdened with sadness.  I know it will get easier as it always does, but with this miscarriage I never got to see my baby alive.  The first time I saw my baby, there was no heartbeat.  And it’s possible that baby was dead by the time I found out I was pregnant. 

In my last post over a year and a half ago, I spoke very strongly that by grace I will always celebrate life.  My pain right now in the face of my baby being gone makes it difficult to celebrate life.  My appointment was two days before my birthday and three days before Mother’s Day.  I have an amazing husband, and 4 beautiful children that I celebrate, but another loss was not what I considered a great birthday present.  My birthday and Mother’s day this year were hard.  I haven’t really felt like celebrating.  Yet I think of a different perspective.  Birthdays are celebration of life and our lives are more than just the good moments.  It’s also life’s struggles that form our character and make us who we are.  The hard times force us to cling to God and to mold us to be more Christ-like.  I want my life to be a reflection of Christ.  I want him to shine through me and give me reason to celebrate even in the midst of heartache.  For without Christ I am nothing and I am so thankful that he chose to give me life and that he has allowed me to produce life.  What a special gift.  And even in light of my most current loss, I want to be thankful for that life he gave me for the short time that I had it.  So even though I don’t feel like celebrating, I chose to.  I look to my blessings.  First of all I’m so blessed to have Christ and salvation.  I have been saved from death and hell through Christ and to Christ to do good works.  Christ alone is enough for me no matter what this life brings.   I have been deeply reminded that my greatest treasure on this earth is the Giver, not his gifts.  I’m not belittling the pain of miscarriage or denying the reality of grief of loss.  I don’t have all the answers and I don’t understand.  But I do know that my Father is walking with me and that He is in control.

In each miscarriage the grief has come differently in relation to how the loss has come.  My third miscarriage, I spent much of the time before my surgery, grieving and crying to God to save my baby and when I realized the answer was no, he gave me his supernatural peace.  This time the final answer came quickly as my baby was gone as soon as I saw him or her.  And with that my grief has been gradual as the reality of what has just happened has sunk in and thoughts of what could have been flood my mind. 

When we told John and Abby, John said “ maybe God will give us another baby” and Abby replied “yea, God has the plans.”  My trust is planted firmly in my precious Father God who has the plans, so I take each step one day at a time holding fast to the Almighty Creator.    

Sometimes in order to get through the hard times, I look back at God’s faithfulness.  As the Old Testament called Ebenezer stones , thus far the Lord has been with us.  I birthed my sweet 4^th child, Sam on August 11, 2017 just 10 months after my last miscarriage.  Had my sweet baby survived, I would not have Sam.  And I can’t imagine life without my sweet Sam.  Just a couple of days ago I was feeling very overwhelmed by laundry, bills, dishes, homeschool and taking care of my children.  And this reminds me how short life is and how we are not promised tomorrow.  It makes me want to be more faithful and joyful in caring for the sweet children and serving my precious husband .  It makes me want to serve God more and trust him with all my chores and responsibilities.    

To my sweet friends walking through miscarriage(or another of life's struggle) sometimes walking by faith doesn’t look strong, but weak.  It may mean saying “I trust you” even when you don’t feel it and don’t understand.  Or it might mean you say goodbye too soon.  Walking by faith means we trust in the midst of sadness and pain that God walks with us and never abandons us.  And not only that if you are a believer my dear friend, the Holy Spirit lives in you and is your comforter. 

Psalms 61
Hear my cry, O God,    listen to my prayer;² from the end of the earth I call to you    when my heart is faintLead me to the rock    that is higher than I,³ for you have been my refuge,    a strong tower against the enemy.⁴ Let me dwell in your tent forever!    Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah⁵ For you, O God, have heard my vows;    you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.⁶ Prolong the life of the king;    may his years endure to all generations!⁷ May he be enthroned forever before God;    appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him!⁸ So will I ever sing praises to your name,    as I perform my vows day after day.

My 3rd Miscarriage

Our little butter bean.  We have been on a roller coaster of emotions for about 2 months.  2 negative tests and then a positive one. We began to share the news immediately and were thrilled to be adding number 4 to our clan.  I never love the first trimester of pregnancy, but the hopes of a sweet new baby make all that drama worth it.  My fears of miscarriage were present, but different from with Hannah.  Hannah’s pregnancy was perfect and my fear of loss was unnecessarily great.  My fears in this pregnancy while not absent were less and my faith in God’s plan was greater.  Mostly because when I look at my sweet Hannah’s face I am reminded that God’s plan is best.  I know that I wouldn’t have her if I didn’t go through the first two miscarriages. In the heartaches of life God strengthens us and teaches us.  These are a few of the reminders and revelations of God’s word that I have been given through this sweet life.

I do not understand God’s ways

We will never choose the ways God does.  We don’t choose cancer, miscarriage, death or any other thing that comes from the fall.  The Israelites would never have chosen to walk the long way around to get to the promised land.  His ways are truly higher than ours.  I have those questions; I have those things that I don’t understand.  I have had thoughts of why did I get pregnant, I would have rather not gotten pregnant than had another miscarriage and while we are on the subject, God why do you even allow miscarriage, can’t you just stop the pregnancy?!?!?  And that’s where I stop and say I don’t understand, I’ll never understand, it’s not my job to understand.  But what I do know and understand is that God’s word says that He works all things to the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.  I choose to believe his word over my finite mind.  And no matter what I ever go through, I can always look to Job who tells us “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.” It is only by grace and through the prayers of the body of Christ that I write this. For in my natural self, I would be in a much different place.

Celebrate life

I have said this before in our miscarriages and I don’t care how many more I experience, I will always celebrate life with no regret.  C S Lewis says “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves).  I can’t say this is always easy especially when you don’t know the outcome yet.  I said with faith (wanting to give into fear) when I didn’t know if this baby would survive that I really wanted to celebrate life and beg God for a miracle until there was no hope.  During that process I felt weak and mostly that I was stumbling along in my faith (as we do and we need God’s grace). I got to see my baby’s heartbeat twice, so little and helpless and I’m so thankful God let me love this sweet baby for a short time.  I’m thankful for those who celebrated with us and were joyful with us.  I will always by the grace of God celebrate life.

His word is living and active

Hebrews 4:12 The word of God is living and active, sharper than any two edge sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. 

This is where I was in my pregnancy with Hannah. 

http://crouch23.blogspot.com/2016/10/carrying-rainbow-babies-with-hope.html

I didn’t really know how to ask God for my baby(with Hannah).  I was stifled and hindered by fear.  Not that I didn’t pray for her, but not as much as I prayed for this baby.  I begged and begged God to save this baby.  As soon as I found out last Tuesday that I wasn’t measuring as far along.  I prayed in faith by the outline of Philippians 4 “Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me—practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.”  I took my worries to him and I’ll tell you I did not feel peace during the prayers.  I didn’t feel peace as the reality of another loss was hitting me.  I wanted to control and did all I could to try to find out what might be wrong.  I googled more than I care to admit and struggled to turn to God.  I didn’t feel this as I was living out the beginning of the verse of surrendering my concerns and desires unto his hands.  I prayed my desire and I begged for the life of my child.  But as we all know God’s word does not return void and today God’s peace has been in my heart, possibly greater than it ever has before.  The peace that passes all understanding and human explanation has guarded me.  Where we should have been broken God’s peace upheld us. We prayed and prayed with passion and desire that God would save our baby but as David got up and praised God after his baby died, so we choose to do so. His word is perfect and true.  I want to say too, I have no 4 step plan to make this happen, this is the work of the Holy Spirit and God through His living and active word.  

We share our grief with our children

This has been a hard one for me.  As soon as I knew that it was possible the baby might not make it, my heart just hurt to have to tell John and Abby and I struggled to know what to do.(tell them, ignore it, don't tell them etc.)  Tonight as I was eating my 2^nd Reese Pumpkin, John wanted to know why I was eating a 2^nd treat, so I told him that I had been in the hospital today.  And he asked “to get the baby out?” (he still remembers me going to get Hannah out at the hospital)  In that moment, I just felt I needed to tell him the truth.  “Yes buddy, we had to get the baby out, but the baby is in heaven with Jesus.”  He looked really sad and said “we wanted to keep the baby, didn’t we?”  I said yes, buddy we did, but the baby is with Jesus in heaven and God is still a good, good Father.  

How to be in this world but not of it, isn’t always easy

It’s not always cut and dry on how we are to be human yet be filled with the spirit.  God has given us emotions and made us human: to feel, to be in relationship, to love and to grieve.  As Ecclesiastes 3 tells us, there truly is a season for everything.  I long for heaven where the season of sorrow will be gone, but while we are still here, we will always face those things that grieve us and weigh heavy on our hearts.  We will have those things that I talked of before that we will never fully understand. We may be able to look back and see the redemption, but sometimes we just don’t get it.  One of my prayers as I walked through this, mostly as I felt I was failing since I was trying to control and not trusting as I should, was “God how do I glorify you through this?”  Sometimes, it is very hard to know where our human flesh and our spirit collide in a way that is perfectly pleasing to our father.  And of course, we are all sinful and will always fail and fall, but we learn to be human in our grief and sadness knowing that God is right there with us comforting us and present in our darkness and hard times when we can’t even function.  We make a choice to trust him and communicate with him through the whole thing.  I haven’t figured it out and probably never will, but I will say that walking through this has shown me the power of his peace and how sometimes it comes after the struggle.  It’s supernatural without a 10 step plan.  It comes through surrender and trials.  I wasn’t there with the first miscarriage, and especially not with the 2^nd, but today God has done something new in my heart.  There will most likely be grief to come over my sweet baby, but I pray I grieve in the peace of God knowing “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken.” Psalm 34:17-20.  But for today, I enjoy and rest in his supernatural peace.

Carrying rainbow babies with hope

For my pregnant friends who have had a previous miscarriage

I walked that road, or should I say I stumbled upon that road. I wish I would have been a great faith giant, facing my fears with great strength and courage, but that would have only meant that I was strong in my own strength.

I wrote these words to a friend (who knows the pain of miscarriage) in the early weeks of my pregnancy with Hannah.

"Thinking of you and praying for you lots these days.  I think of you and just feel like you know exactly what I'm going through.  You know the heartache, the pain, the fear, the fear of pain, the fear of another loss, the fear of hoping and enjoying and celebrating a pregnancy.  I'm facing so many emotions and really feel alot like I'm just waiting for more confirmation that really won't come until that baby comes.  I'm trying, but it's really hard to have faith in the midst of uncertainty.  I've realized that I fear disappointment.  I fear enjoying my pregnancy or talking to my baby because it might not be alive.  I try to just believe and have faith that the baby is ok, until it's not, but it's just really hard.  Sometimes "I just don't know how to "ask" God for this pregnancy"  I don't want to talk to Him about it....I'm somewhat afraid to ask, because I'm afraid that our wills will not line up.

Yet the familiar verses from Philipians answer my question "Rejoice in the Lord always, I will say it again rejoice.  Let your gentleness be evident to all. the Lord is near.  Do not be anxious about anything, but by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  So how do I pray for this pregnancy?  And I was reminded that this is how we are to do it, we take ALL of our fear to him, not some of it, we pray and we petition with thanksgiving for the children God has given, even the ones in heaven.  We choose to trust him and we request what we want, more babies.  And we get the peace of God in return.  We don't get any guarantee that we will have more babies, we get no guarantees that things will go our way, but we do have the guarantee of God's peace.

I'm not there yet, I still have alot of fear and just not wanting to face another loss, but I'm encouraged that we have hope of overcoming fear.  There is hope that we will come out of this journey with more strength, compassion and trust.  And there is hope of freedom to trust God, holding nothing back.

Another verse that I'm holding onto through all of this is Ps 112: 7-8 'He will have no fear of bad news; His heart is steadfast, trusting in the LORD.  His heart is secure, He will have no fear in the end he will look in triumph on his foes.'"

Let the words of God encourage you today.  Stay strong in the Lord, hold tight to him know that "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."   Hebrews 11:1

I love each of you and am praying for you.

Waiting on Hannah

Just breathe.  Or be still and know that I am God.  Things I’m not so good at doing.   I want a plan, I want to have everything together and I want to map it out so that I will have all my bases covered.  I don’t like survival mode, yet that is the place that I find myself most often.  Abby was almost 3 weeks early, so the fact that I’m still pregnant is a little surprising to me.  I knew and even told myself that just because she was early, didn’t mean that Hannah would be too, but in my heart, I believed she would be early. 

Expectations can get you into a lot of trouble.  Or at least put you in the way of temptation.  When you expect something or even make plans to do something, and it doesn’t happen, temptation is at your door.  The temptation could be to be angry or fearful.  Once given to anger or fear we may try to control our situation, blame God, question God or be given to depression.  Fear is directly connected to our trust in God so as we fear, we remove our trust in God and put it in ourselves. 

This last 2 weeks has been so hard to trust Him.  Like I mentioned, I thought that since Abby was early, Hannah would be too.  So every day, has been a struggle accepting that today was not the day either.  Mike and I had it planned just right in a way that would be perfect for our family.  Hannah would come during Mike’s break and he would be here to help me when she was born.  And now, we are at the point where his break is almost over and Hannah still is not here.  One of the funniest things is that I’m only 39 weeks pregnant, so my due date is still a week away, yet I have been wanting her to come for 2 weeks now.  My expectations of what I thought would happen have shaped my whole outlook to the point where I even dismissed what was really normal. 

So today marks 39 weeks of pregnancy with Hannah.  And I have to step back and ask the Lord for forgiveness for not trusting, being ungrateful and giving way to fear.  I haven’t trusted His plan.  I have in a sense been ungrateful for my sweet girl.  (Beggars can’t be choosers right?) And the fears from earlier in the pregnancy have returned.  After having two miscarriages back to back, you would think I would have “gotten it” by now.  How quickly we turn from realizing all the blessings God has in store.  How quickly we, like the Israelites, turn back to our idols of sin (whatever they may be).  

So when I step back and take a different perspective, I see that Mike and I have gotten some much needed quality time together and our marriage has been strengthened.  (Those of you who have been through the newborn stage, know that quality time is not likely with a newborn).  I see that we have been able to slow down a bit, relax and spend time with our two children.  And I know God has many other reasons why this sweet baby has not entered the world yet, some of which I may never know. 

I’ve never really been good at waiting and this is no different.  I still want my baby to come NOW, but I stop and remember that my job is to “be still and know that He is God.”  I surrender, and will have to surrender with the next Braxton Hicks contraction and several times after.  But I choose to trust Him, surrender my fear and my desire to control.  He is the God of the universe.  He knows what He is doing and He is worthy of my trust, my praise and my thanks.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Hearing that sweet heartbeat was so comforting, such a relief….for about an hour.  Then the fears came back, even stronger.  Maybe they just felt stronger because I didn’t expect them to come back so soon.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get any confirmation that everything really was okay until the next appointment which was over a month away.  The thing is that I would really be okay if we had another miscarriage.  I know that God’s grace would be so strong just as it has in the other situations and just like His grace is when we go through hard times.  What I realized in the midst of this strong fear was that my biggest fear is the unknown.  I want to know for sure that God won’t allow another miscarriage and that my baby will live OR I want to know for sure that my baby will not live and exactly when that will happen.   I desire to control and know rather than trust in God as an all-knowing, all-wise, perfect Savior.   

Although it is hard and I struggle to trust and fight, it is in and through the struggle that my faith grows.  In the midst of the struggle it feels as though I’m falling on my face every time fear knocks at my door.  And there are those moments when I do fail and I have to fight to get back up.  However it is in the struggle that we grow.  Our faith grows and we are able to look back and see how God used these situations to help us to grow. But in the middle of the struggle, it seems so hard, so dark, so hopeless.  I have to hold on God’s promises and have faith.  Faith doesn’t come easy and as Hebrews says, “it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I want to be sure of what I hope for (my baby living) and certain of what I do not see (his/her heartbeat).  I’m holding on to this promise and even as I hold onto it, there is still the temptation to fear that what I am holding onto won’t come to pass and also to fear the pain that comes from believing in something so strongly just to lose it. And I’m not denying the possibility.  But what I am holding on beyond my sweet baby, is that God is a God that works ALL things for good for those who love Him.  I have to choose to believe in the midst of the unknown that no matter what happens, God is still on His throne, He IS the blessed controller of ALL things and he wastes nothing.  Whatever he allows in my life is for a greater purpose than I see.  I don’t have to like it, but I have to trust Him.  And the thing is, I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened.  I’m considering a loss that hasn’t come.  I’m wasting my energy on worry rather than celebrating the life that is growing inside of me and the lives that I have to care for now.  My worries distract me from my daily responsibilities, making me useless.  

I recently read in a book where the author used the story of Moses to show how his parents must have been tempted to fear his safety.  She used the illustration of putting your fears in the basket and trusting them into God’s hands.  Today I put my sweet baby in the basket as a symbol of putting him/her in God’s hands.  I will have to fight not to try to take him/her out of the basket and try to control.  I will long for each appointment to hear that heartbeat, but in the meantime I choose to hold onto Christ, His promises, His love, and His care.  I will continue to have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.   This kind of faith doesn’t come easy and I will continue to struggle, but I do know I WILL be able to look back and see the work God did in my heart.  He is faithful ALWAYS!

My Fifth Pregnancy

Not many people know about our second miscarriage.  It’s not that we didn’t want people to know.  It’s just that, well I’m not even sure.  I guess I didn’t want my status update to be: “we lost another baby.”  The second miscarriage was what’s called a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed.   The second one felt more like a loss of a pregnancy rather than a loss of a baby, but nonetheless, a loss.  I was at a much better place in the first loss, trusting God that He knew he what he was doing, even if I didn't understand. However I did ask questions, like why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why just not get pregnant?  But with the second miscarriage, I was pretty upset that it was happening again....didn't want do feel pregnant if I wasn't really pregnant and didn't want to walk this road AGAIN....I was full of fear at the beginning of the pregnancy when we didn't know if it was a miscarriage or not. During those weeks of uncertainty, I didn't know what/how to pray. But the only comfort came from reading God's word. I didn't know what to say to God, but God had comforting words for me from His word. I think after the first miscarriage, I really felt I handled it well....I was trusting in God's sovereignty and even though I was sad, I was ok. But the second one I was humbled even more because I didn't handle it well. I was mad, fearful and hurt. I wanted my babies to be here, I knew that everything would be okay, but in those moments of uncertainty, I was not ok and I was not happy with my circumstances.(This was in February 2015).

Present day June 2015, we are so excited to be 10 weeks pregnant.  We have an appointment tomorrow and it has been quite a journey to overcome fear.  Pregnancy after miscarriage is much different than my first two pregnancies.  My first two pregnancies were not filled with temptation to fear or visualization about appointments.  In some ways I wish that I could go back and not experience that heartache, change the past and have my sweet baby Daniel and Hope.  But first off, I couldn’t have both of those babies, and I couldn’t be pregnant right now, but the most important reason is: God didn’t allow it to happen that way, and He has a reason.  I may never fully realize why, and that’s ok. 

Sometimes I wish that “zap theology” worked.  That I could pray a prayer that would remove my fear and automatic peace would follow.  But God designed it where we are involved and uses these situations to draw us to Himself.  We are to work to overcome our sin (don’t be confused, I’m not saying work for our salvation).  But when it comes to fear, there is action to be taken.  I have had to work so hard to not fear the loss of this baby.  I have been on a roller coaster of one minute feeling everything is ok, to the next where I’m imagining my husband with cancer and finding out that the reason we have had miscarriage is because he is passing cancer to them.  There have been good days, bad days, hard day and just pure exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of it all, I know that God is calling me to trust in Him.  Reminding me that no matter what He is with me.  He knows what is going to happen and He is and will be with me through it all.  He has been faithful to give me scriptures, books and friends to help me as I walk through the first weeks of this pregnancy.  At about 7 weeks I had a turning point when I read something that talked about God not giving us grace for imagined situations. That worry is a sin and that we need to confess it, not look for grace. (not that God doesn't help us, but it's through confession and forgiveness not grace). I realized that I was just expecting my baby to die instead of living my life, taking care of my children and trusting that my baby was ok, until I learned otherwise.  Since then, the temptation to worry has been present, but I could always look back to that moment when I chose to trust that my baby was ok.  I’m nervous about tomorrow, but I choose to trust.  I don’t want to walk through another loss.  I want my baby to be ok.  But even if he/she is not, I trust the Lord.  He is good.  He is faithful. He is my God and my Savior.  

In Memory of Daniel Moses Crouch

I was convinced I wasn’t pregnant.  I had no symptoms, didn’t feel pregnant and I convinced my husband too, but he made me take the test.  So I did.  I came back and asked….”So, what do you think?  He said “ we’re not”, I said “ but we are!” !  little overwhelmed and shocked but overall excited, we began to tell our family and friends right away.  We were having  #3!  We began to talk about 3 under 3 years!  We decided we would move the play room to the family room and the playroom would become the new nursery. 

I was going to do things different this time: eat better and continue to exercise.  Nervous yet excited, we were planning the arrival of our next baby.  We talked about names, if it was a girl or a boy and we dreamed together what it would be like to have 3 babies!  We discussed how John and Abby would respond and I would make grocery trips.  We went to our 8 week appointment and heard the heartbeat.  We had no idea that would be the 1^st and last time that we would hear it.  We rejoiced at the sight of our baby and made phone calls to let our family know the baby looked great.  

Our 12 week appointment came along and Mike decided not to go.  He usually just went to appointments with an ultrasound.  He did this with Abby and it was no big deal. We had two, successful, easy pregnancies and we expected this would be the same.  On my way to drop the kids off with a friend, I began to think about the appointment. “ What if there’s not a heartbeat?  What will I do?  I’m going to this appointment by myself? What am I going to do if there’s no heartbeat? ….Well, I’m going to trust the Lord and know that He will take care of us.”    With the other pregnancies, I have had thoughts of there not being a heartbeat, but those thoughts were different.  With the first two pregnancies, it was more a longing that I could be reassured that everything was okay, with the confirmation of a heartbeat.  I’m not one to consider what I will do in certain situations.  I usually will just deal with the bad things IF they come, not develop a plan of how I will handle them if they come.  Looking back, I can’t help but see the grace of God preparing me for the trust of life that I was about to face.  

I dropped the kids off and went to my appointment.  I followed the normal procedures and began to talk to the nurse about how good I had been feeling.  I talked with her about how I had been itching again but that I know how to handle it this time around.  She said everything looked good and walked me to the ultrasound room.  I walked in and sat down.  Dr. Green came in and asked the routine questions, the prepared for the ultrasound.  He put the scanner on my belly and there was no sound.  From the past I remember hearing the heartbeat immediately, so I asked him if the sound was on.  He answered “not yet.”  I began watching the screen and watching his face.  I saw it in his face that something was wrong, SO I asked him “there’s no heartbeat, is there?”  He said “no, I was trying to figure out a good way to tell you.”  I began to cry, I called out “ I knew it, I just knew.”  He replied “it’s the most common fear.”  I said I had to call Mike and cried out “no, no, no”  I grabbed my phone and called Mike.  Dr. Green offered to talk to him, but I said I wanted to tell him.  It rang slower than ever and I knew he knew something was wrong when he answered.  “they couldn't find a heartbeat” I told him “He’s gone, our baby is gone.”  I don’t remember all the details of our conversation ….he told me he was coming home, but I remember telling him I didn't know what to do, that I would call him later.   When Dr. Green came back in, I told him I wanted to see the ultrasound.  He showed me how on the ultrasound the movement was either red or blue and where the baby was, there was no movement.  He offered me the ultrasound pictures and my nurse was there to hug me and tell me how sorry she was….Everything else is a blur.  The next day I had a D & C to remove the baby.  

The support was overwhelming.  I was surprised to find out how many people had had miscarriages.  The cards, Facebook comments, texts and other messages were such a comfort during this time. We thought that it was a boy (thought they couldn’t medically determine it).  I was having boy pregnancy symptoms, so we decided to name him Daniel Moses.  Mike liked the name Daniel and I was studying Moses at the time.  Moses is such a great example for us to live our Christian lives.  He failed so much, but was also very faithful.  He trusted in God when he didn’t always understand and he didn’t get to enter the promise land.  But he knew he had a greater future in heaven. 

I have so many ways that this miscarriage has changed me forever.  I will never be the same.  Today, April 30, 2015 would have been his due date.  I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but that’s not my job.   

Romans 8:18 says “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.”  

So I hold on to the hope that God’s glory will be revealed in us.  One day I will hold my sweet baby.  Until then, I can only trust in God’s promises knowing that He works all things to the good of those who love Him. 

I know that so many people suffer in silence from miscarriages.  So please know you are not alone if you have suffered a loss of this kind.  Not everyone understands, I certainly didn’t.  But know that just because everyone doesn't understand, there are a lot of people that do understand and a God that completely understands.  

2 Corinthians 1:3-5

"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."