I strongly feel that I should be
putting laundry away and emptying the dishwasher, but for now I’m writing
again. My anger has driven me to my
knees today. I find myself not
recognizing myself as an "angry person".
It takes a lot to get me angry and overall anger hasn’t really been a
struggle for me. Well….1 Corinthians
10:12 says the following: “ So, if
you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!” Today I was angry. I just want my sweet little boy to “listen
and obey.” And he went into the pantry
where he KNEW he was NOT supposed to go and he got a spanking. I’m not so sure that time-out would have been
a more appropriate solution….but even if a spanking was the right course of
action this time. I was angry and I don’t
want to be angry when I spank. I want to
loving and kind and full of love. I want
to have everything together, everything in it’s place and sit down and rest
when it’s naptime. Once again, here I am
aiming and wanting perfection in the midst of a chaotic, messy and sinful life
that I am part of and responsible for.
Even in the midst of my sin, I am thinking how can I overcome and become
a better mom that doesn’t get angry and is okay with the mess. Still in my desire to overcome I want to be
perfect. So there it is, PRIDE. Pride is the root of my sin. I care more about what I want and how I look
and perform than I do about glorifying God.
So
where do I go from here? I know I have
to work on my anger. I know I have to
work on my pride. I feel so overwhelmed
by the sin that has to be worked on in my life.
I feel that parenting has brought me to a new level of seeing my inadequacy. I have to go to the cross. I’m not talking about my devotions, because I’ve
been doing ok with spending time with God.
I’m talking about carrying my cross daily, hourly, momently. In those moments of discipline and when my
son has disobeyed for the 4th time in a row, I have to pray for
wisdom as I make decisions. Fear looms
in my mind that somehow I’m screwing everything up. I have to trust the Lord that the Holy Spirit
lives inside of me and will help me. I
don’t have the answers, I’m just one mother struggling along with the rest
of the best. I want to be the one that is telling all
other moms how to do. Instead I’m the
one struggling along, sometimes just to keep them alive (for real). But nonetheless I am here and I am striving
to get my life on the right track of seeking God’s glory instead of my
own.
