Celebrating Life in the Midst of Heartache

Every miscarriage is different, just like every birth is different.  I have grown to love birth stories.  It has taken birthing several of my own to get there, but I’m one of those crazies that loves them.  I love to hear all the details of how the labor began, how long it took, what was it like and all the emotions that go with it.  And no woman ever forgets her children’s birth stories.  I love the stories of new life coming into this world.  I don’t really love the stories of the losses, but nonetheless, I will continue to tell them.  In hopes that God can use my pain to help someone else walk through their loss.

I had started feeling pregnant, which consists of falling asleep uncontrollably and feeling very mean (and if I’m honest acting on it.)  We were very excited and told the children right away.  John was so excited that he was telling everyone at church.  We rejoiced and started to think of our family with 5 children.  As usual, we started discussing names and I started googling 15 passenger vans OR how to fit 3 carseats on one row.  I felt very nervous about handling 5 children, but still was so excited. 

I didn’t struggle too much with fear waiting the couple of weeks until our doctor’s appointment.  I just kept telling myself that it was in God’s hands and that I had no reason to be worried, and for that I am thankful.  The day of the appointment I was pretty  nervous, but nothing out of the ordinary.  Then I began explaining to the ultrasound tech my situation and she said we could try looking up top first.  When she looked she said she couldn't see very well.  As she switched to the internal ultrasound, I couldn’t see what we were looking at exactly, but I also couldn’t see a heartbeat.  My heart sunk and I just knew.  There was no heartbeat. I should have been 9 weeks along, my sack was measuring seven and the baby only six weeks.

For those of you who have watched me walk through the other miscarriages, you have probably read my post about the last miscarriage (http://crouch23.blogspot.com/2016/10/my-3rd-miscarriage.html) God miraculously gave me peace about that baby being gone, but the focus of that was His peace and not on the struggle that happened before the peace came.  As I said, every miscarriage is different and this one has been heavy.  I feel  at peace, but I am heavily burdened with sadness.  I know it will get easier as it always does, but with this miscarriage I never got to see my baby alive.  The first time I saw my baby, there was no heartbeat.  And it’s possible that baby was dead by the time I found out I was pregnant. 

In my last post over a year and a half ago, I spoke very strongly that by grace I will always celebrate life.  My pain right now in the face of my baby being gone makes it difficult to celebrate life.  My appointment was two days before my birthday and three days before Mother’s Day.  I have an amazing husband, and 4 beautiful children that I celebrate, but another loss was not what I considered a great birthday present.  My birthday and Mother’s day this year were hard.  I haven’t really felt like celebrating.  Yet I think of a different perspective.  Birthdays are celebration of life and our lives are more than just the good moments.  It’s also life’s struggles that form our character and make us who we are.  The hard times force us to cling to God and to mold us to be more Christ-like.  I want my life to be a reflection of Christ.  I want him to shine through me and give me reason to celebrate even in the midst of heartache.  For without Christ I am nothing and I am so thankful that he chose to give me life and that he has allowed me to produce life.  What a special gift.  And even in light of my most current loss, I want to be thankful for that life he gave me for the short time that I had it.  So even though I don’t feel like celebrating, I chose to.  I look to my blessings.  First of all I’m so blessed to have Christ and salvation.  I have been saved from death and hell through Christ and to Christ to do good works.  Christ alone is enough for me no matter what this life brings.   I have been deeply reminded that my greatest treasure on this earth is the Giver, not his gifts.  I’m not belittling the pain of miscarriage or denying the reality of grief of loss.  I don’t have all the answers and I don’t understand.  But I do know that my Father is walking with me and that He is in control.

In each miscarriage the grief has come differently in relation to how the loss has come.  My third miscarriage, I spent much of the time before my surgery, grieving and crying to God to save my baby and when I realized the answer was no, he gave me his supernatural peace.  This time the final answer came quickly as my baby was gone as soon as I saw him or her.  And with that my grief has been gradual as the reality of what has just happened has sunk in and thoughts of what could have been flood my mind. 

When we told John and Abby, John said “ maybe God will give us another baby” and Abby replied “yea, God has the plans.”  My trust is planted firmly in my precious Father God who has the plans, so I take each step one day at a time holding fast to the Almighty Creator.    

Sometimes in order to get through the hard times, I look back at God’s faithfulness.  As the Old Testament called Ebenezer stones , thus far the Lord has been with us.  I birthed my sweet 4^th child, Sam on August 11, 2017 just 10 months after my last miscarriage.  Had my sweet baby survived, I would not have Sam.  And I can’t imagine life without my sweet Sam.  Just a couple of days ago I was feeling very overwhelmed by laundry, bills, dishes, homeschool and taking care of my children.  And this reminds me how short life is and how we are not promised tomorrow.  It makes me want to be more faithful and joyful in caring for the sweet children and serving my precious husband .  It makes me want to serve God more and trust him with all my chores and responsibilities.    

To my sweet friends walking through miscarriage(or another of life's struggle) sometimes walking by faith doesn’t look strong, but weak.  It may mean saying “I trust you” even when you don’t feel it and don’t understand.  Or it might mean you say goodbye too soon.  Walking by faith means we trust in the midst of sadness and pain that God walks with us and never abandons us.  And not only that if you are a believer my dear friend, the Holy Spirit lives in you and is your comforter. 

Psalms 61
Hear my cry, O God,    listen to my prayer;² from the end of the earth I call to you    when my heart is faintLead me to the rock    that is higher than I,³ for you have been my refuge,    a strong tower against the enemy.⁴ Let me dwell in your tent forever!    Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings! Selah⁵ For you, O God, have heard my vows;    you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.⁶ Prolong the life of the king;    may his years endure to all generations!⁷ May he be enthroned forever before God;    appoint steadfast love and faithfulness to watch over him!⁸ So will I ever sing praises to your name,    as I perform my vows day after day.

Pregnancy after miscarriage

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Hearing that sweet heartbeat was so comforting, such a relief….for about an hour.  Then the fears came back, even stronger.  Maybe they just felt stronger because I didn’t expect them to come back so soon.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get any confirmation that everything really was okay until the next appointment which was over a month away.  The thing is that I would really be okay if we had another miscarriage.  I know that God’s grace would be so strong just as it has in the other situations and just like His grace is when we go through hard times.  What I realized in the midst of this strong fear was that my biggest fear is the unknown.  I want to know for sure that God won’t allow another miscarriage and that my baby will live OR I want to know for sure that my baby will not live and exactly when that will happen.   I desire to control and know rather than trust in God as an all-knowing, all-wise, perfect Savior.   

Although it is hard and I struggle to trust and fight, it is in and through the struggle that my faith grows.  In the midst of the struggle it feels as though I’m falling on my face every time fear knocks at my door.  And there are those moments when I do fail and I have to fight to get back up.  However it is in the struggle that we grow.  Our faith grows and we are able to look back and see how God used these situations to help us to grow. But in the middle of the struggle, it seems so hard, so dark, so hopeless.  I have to hold on God’s promises and have faith.  Faith doesn’t come easy and as Hebrews says, “it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I want to be sure of what I hope for (my baby living) and certain of what I do not see (his/her heartbeat).  I’m holding on to this promise and even as I hold onto it, there is still the temptation to fear that what I am holding onto won’t come to pass and also to fear the pain that comes from believing in something so strongly just to lose it. And I’m not denying the possibility.  But what I am holding on beyond my sweet baby, is that God is a God that works ALL things for good for those who love Him.  I have to choose to believe in the midst of the unknown that no matter what happens, God is still on His throne, He IS the blessed controller of ALL things and he wastes nothing.  Whatever he allows in my life is for a greater purpose than I see.  I don’t have to like it, but I have to trust Him.  And the thing is, I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened.  I’m considering a loss that hasn’t come.  I’m wasting my energy on worry rather than celebrating the life that is growing inside of me and the lives that I have to care for now.  My worries distract me from my daily responsibilities, making me useless.  

I recently read in a book where the author used the story of Moses to show how his parents must have been tempted to fear his safety.  She used the illustration of putting your fears in the basket and trusting them into God’s hands.  Today I put my sweet baby in the basket as a symbol of putting him/her in God’s hands.  I will have to fight not to try to take him/her out of the basket and try to control.  I will long for each appointment to hear that heartbeat, but in the meantime I choose to hold onto Christ, His promises, His love, and His care.  I will continue to have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.   This kind of faith doesn’t come easy and I will continue to struggle, but I do know I WILL be able to look back and see the work God did in my heart.  He is faithful ALWAYS!

I don't have the answers

I strongly feel that I should be putting laundry away and emptying the dishwasher, but for now I’m writing again.  My anger has driven me to my knees today.  I find myself not recognizing myself as an "angry person".  It takes a lot to get me angry and overall anger hasn’t really been a struggle for me.  Well….1 Corinthians 10:12 says the following: “ So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”  Today I was angry.  I just want my sweet little boy to “listen and obey.”  And he went into the pantry where he KNEW he was NOT supposed to go and he got a spanking.  I’m not so sure that time-out would have been a more appropriate solution….but even if a spanking was the right course of action this time.  I was angry and I don’t want to be angry when I spank.  I want to loving and kind and full of love.  I want to have everything together, everything in it’s place and sit down and rest when it’s naptime.  Once again, here I am aiming and wanting perfection in the midst of a chaotic, messy and sinful life that I am part of and responsible for.  Even in the midst of my sin, I am thinking how can I overcome and become a better mom that doesn’t get angry and is okay with the mess.  Still in my desire to overcome I want to be perfect.  So there it is, PRIDE.  Pride is the root of my sin.  I care more about what I want and how I look and perform than I do about glorifying God. 

So where do I go from here?  I know I have to work on my anger.  I know I have to work on my pride.  I feel so overwhelmed by the sin that has to be worked on in my life.  I feel that parenting has brought me to a new level of seeing my inadequacy.  I have to go to the cross.  I’m not talking about my devotions, because I’ve been doing ok with spending time with God.  I’m talking about carrying my cross daily, hourly, momently.  In those moments of discipline and when my son has disobeyed for the 4^th time in a row, I have to pray for wisdom as I make decisions.  Fear looms in my mind that somehow I’m screwing everything up.  I have to trust the Lord that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and will help me.  I don’t have the answers, I’m just one mother struggling along with the rest of  the best.  I want to be the one that is telling all other moms how to do.  Instead I’m the one struggling along, sometimes just to keep them alive (for real).  But nonetheless I am here and I am striving to get my life on the right track of seeking God’s glory instead of my own.  

Bloom Where You are Planted

Bloom where you are planted.  When I was growing up, my mom had a plaque hanging in our house that said this.  Just recently, I have really been contemplating what it means.  Bloom where you are planted.  Be content with what you have.  Enjoy the moments and the days that you are blessed with.  Most of us are always looking for the next thing.  We say things (if only to ourselves) like “ When I do this, then life will be complete.”  When we were little, it was most likely looking ahead to something like driving….man when I can drive….. then when I graduate, then when I get married….then when I have kids….. and then when the kids are gone….

There is a part of us that longs for more.  More of something.  We don’t really know how to bloom where we are planted.  It doesn’t come naturally to live right here where I am today.  I want to be more organized, more patient and kind.  I want to  get so many things done.  Yes I’ve said this before.  I’ve thought about it and blogged about it and complained about it.  But today is different because I’m not just here to harp about how I need to change.  I am actually looking to change.  I’m thinking about how I can change and really overcome the idol of organization and perfection.  I don’t want to just talk about blooming where I am planted.  I really want to do it.  I don’t want it to become an idol in itself, but what I want to do is seek God daily, recognize the season of life that I am is and count my blessings. 

When I was single, I longed for the day that I was married.  I love to minister to single ladies now because looking back I see how precious those days were, just me and my savior.  I don’t regret any of how my life has turned out, I wouldn’t go back to being single, however, there were precious days of singleness where I was so close to the Lord.  But I didn’t see that when I was single.  I was too busy wanting to be married.  Marriage has added a different dimension to my relationship with God.  There is a sanctification that comes with marriage.  As my sister told me before I got married, “Marriage is a mirror, where your faults are all reflected.” I have grown more spiritually and recognized sin in my life in a way that I never did when I was single.   Children have brought even a deeper level of sanctification.  I have learned the depth of my selfishness and lack of patience.  I never thought I would be mean to my children.  But sadly, there are days (more than I care to admit), that my agenda is more important than my relationship with my children.  Yet I know that God is shaping me and refining me through my children.  When I step back and reflect, I am amazed at the beauty of each season of my life.  But it is hard in the middle of a season to see the beauty.  It is usually only after it is passed that I look back and say, man I wish I would have….. So here I am in my season of marriage and parenting.  And I am looking to find the beauty.  I am seeking to bloom where I am planted rather than looking ahead to something else or being mad that I’m here. 

At church yesterday we were in the middle of a worship song, and I had to take my son out to the nursery.  It interrupted the “worship experience” for me.  I was tempted to look on stage at the worship team at one single girl in particular and think “she has no idea how special this time is.”  But I stopped and realized that I am that same girl that has “no idea how special this time is.”  I have no idea how special this time is.  It may not be like it was when I was single.  It’s not supposed to be.  I may not get to worship uninterrupted.  I may not get hours in the word of God like I used to.  My relationship with God doesn’t look the same as it did when I was single or without children.  But it’s not supposed to.  Just because it is different, doesn’t mean that there is something wrong.  This doesn’t mean that I come up with excuses to not spend time with God.  It just means that I need Him now more than ever.  I want to have hours with the Lord, reading his word.  Instead I have hours with the Lord, caring for my children.  What we see as an interruption, is a moment to praise the Lord.

I am learning to be thankful for what I have instead of looking at what someone else has.  I am learning to look at what really matters instead of my own agenda.  I am learning that I know nothing about having an eternal perspective, but I am praying that God will change my heart of stone into one that is concerned with glorifying God in every moment, instead of glorifying myself.