I was convinced I wasn’t
pregnant. I had no symptoms, didn’t feel pregnant and I convinced my
husband too, but he made me take the test. So I did. I came back
and asked….”So, what do you think? He said “ we’re not”, I said “ but we are!”
! little overwhelmed and shocked but overall excited, we began to tell
our family and friends right away. We were having #3! We
began to talk about 3 under 3 years! We decided we would move the play
room to the family room and the playroom would become the new nursery.
I was going to do things
different this time: eat better and continue to exercise. Nervous yet
excited, we were planning the arrival of our next baby. We talked about
names, if it was a girl or a boy and we dreamed together what it would be like
to have 3 babies! We discussed how John and Abby would respond and I
would make grocery trips. We went to our 8 week appointment and heard the
heartbeat. We had no idea that would be the 1st and last
time that we would hear it. We rejoiced at the sight of our baby and made
phone calls to let our family know the baby looked great.
Our 12 week appointment
came along and Mike decided not to go. He usually just went to
appointments with an ultrasound. He did this with Abby and it was no big
deal. We had two, successful, easy pregnancies and we expected this would be
the same. On my way to drop the kids off with a friend, I began to think
about the appointment. “ What if there’s not a heartbeat? What will I
do? I’m going to this appointment by myself? What am I going to do if
there’s no heartbeat? ….Well, I’m going to trust the Lord and know that He will
take care of us.” With the other pregnancies, I have had
thoughts of there not being a heartbeat, but those thoughts were different.
With the first two pregnancies, it was more a longing that I could be reassured
that everything was okay, with the confirmation of a heartbeat. I’m not
one to consider what I will do in certain situations. I usually will just
deal with the bad things IF they come, not develop a plan of how I will handle
them if they come. Looking back, I can’t help but see the grace of God
preparing me for the trust of life that I was about to face.
I dropped the kids off
and went to my appointment. I followed the normal procedures and began to
talk to the nurse about how good I had been feeling. I talked with her
about how I had been itching again but that I know how to handle it this time
around. She said everything looked good and walked me to the ultrasound
room. I walked in and sat down. Dr. Green came in and asked the
routine questions, the prepared for the ultrasound. He put the scanner on
my belly and there was no sound. From the past I remember hearing the
heartbeat immediately, so I asked him if the sound was on. He answered
“not yet.” I began watching the screen and watching his face. I saw
it in his face that something was wrong, SO I asked him “there’s no heartbeat,
is there?” He said “no, I was trying to figure out a good way to tell you.”
I began to cry, I called out “ I knew it, I just knew.” He replied “it’s
the most common fear.” I said I had to call Mike and cried out “no, no,
no” I grabbed my phone and called Mike. Dr. Green offered to talk
to him, but I said I wanted to tell him. It rang slower than ever and I
knew he knew something was wrong when he answered.
“they couldn't find a heartbeat” I told him “He’s gone, our baby
is gone.” I don’t remember all the details of our conversation ….he told
me he was coming home, but I remember telling him I didn't know what
to do, that I would call him later. When Dr. Green came back
in, I told him I wanted to see the ultrasound. He showed me how on the
ultrasound the movement was either red or blue and where the baby was, there
was no movement. He offered me the ultrasound pictures and my nurse was
there to hug me and tell me how sorry she was….Everything else is a blur.
The next day I had a D & C to remove the baby.
The support was
overwhelming. I was surprised to find out how many people had had
miscarriages. The cards, Facebook comments, texts and other messages were
such a comfort during this time. We thought that it was a
boy (thought they couldn’t medically determine it). I was having boy
pregnancy symptoms, so we decided to name him Daniel Moses. Mike liked
the name Daniel and I was studying Moses at the time. Moses is such a
great example for us to live our Christian lives. He failed so much, but
was also very faithful. He trusted in God when he didn’t always
understand and he didn’t get to enter the promise land. But he knew he
had a greater future in heaven.
I have so many ways that
this miscarriage has changed me forever. I will never be the same.
Today, April 30, 2015 would have been his due date. I don’t understand
why things happen the way they do, but that’s not my job.
Romans
8:18 says “I
consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory
that will be revealed in us.”
So I
hold on to the hope that God’s glory will be revealed in us. One day
I will hold my sweet baby. Until then, I can only trust in God’s
promises knowing that He works all things to the good of those who love
Him.
I know
that so many people suffer in silence from miscarriages. So please know
you are not alone if you have suffered a loss of this kind. Not everyone
understands, I certainly didn’t. But know that just because everyone
doesn't understand, there are a lot of people that do understand and a God that
completely understands.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5
"Blessed
be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies
and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so
that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the
comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share
abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly
in comfort too."
