When life runs you instead of you running life

About 2 weeks ago, I had a nice schedule in the mornings.  I got up, fixed my husband breakfast, had devotions, did a short work-out, then John got up.  We started our morning, we had breakfast, (I was actually cooking myself an omelet).  We sang a song and read the Bible and then went on about our day.  The rest of my day wasn't quite so organized, but just that little routine helped me to stay focused and feel good.

Then it all changed.  John decided to start getting up at 6 AM giving me NO time to myself and just rushing through everything and not having song time or Bible time.  My devotions were rushed and interrupted by John's needs and my work-outs just didn't happen.

I'm amazed at how much I allow myself to be thrown by circumstances.  How much just a schedule change can affect me so much and make me feel as though I am in turmoil, uncertainty and out of control.

Looking back at these moments, I realize how much I need to lean on the Lord.  I realize that it doesn't matter how many schedules I have in place, I'm still not in control.  Even those things that make me feel peaceful aren't my true source of joy and peace.  When I stop and focus on the Lord, the tasks aren't so daunting, the to do list doesn't matter as much and I am able to not waste time, and get the things done that I need to get done.

I long to have everything done, perfect and organized.  I long to get all my tasks done, be patient with my son and have extra time to spend with him, just laughing and playing.  Instead I find myself wasting time, frantically hurrying through my chores, wanting to do so much more, being impatient with my son, rushing him off to play with his toys every second of the day.  

I don't want to be this mom.  I want to be intentional and lean on the grace of God to help me to follow His lead and patiently guide our son in righteousness.  God truly is the only one that can make this happen.  I commit myself to Him today.  I must do this everyday in order to glorify Him through my life and my parenting.

Idolatry, organization, and being a mom

I walked through Target yesterday marveling at the organizational things they have.  All the storage bins, the calendars, the dry erase boards etc.  I could buy them all and never use them.  Every year, I buy a planner, just to be set aside in a couple of months.  I long to be that planner that plans every single hour, yet I refuse to be that structured because I could never stay that structured.  At the same time I thrive in an organized environment.  I do better on a schedule (even if it's very flexible).  I feel better, I get things done and I don't waste much time.  This past year I looked my problem of wasting time right in the face and I conquered it, thanks to my husband.  I was furious with him when he first made me write down everything that I was doing in a notebook.  I sarcastically wrote down EVERY thing I was doing.  However after a few days, I found myself being more productive, feeling better and loving the organization.  I still wasn't planning every minute of every day, but I knew what I was responsible for and I got done what I needed to get done that day and the rest of the things, I knew when they would get done.  SO freeing, so pleasant, but I'm come away from that again.  The busy-ness of the holidays and my weaknesses have put me back in that "wasting time" mindset.  I still get things done but I'm ready to be back in my routine.  I have all these things that I want to get done, ways I want to organize.  My world would be perfect if I could just get myself organized. 

That's where I'm wrong.  I have to cling to God every moment of every day.  The goals I have of being that perfect mom and wife are futile.  That perfect world where the house is clean, My husband is pleased with me, my child always eats healthy, I respond in patience every time, and I enjoy every moment of every day.  Those goals are nothing without God at the center of my life.  I really have been thinking and reading some about the greatest gift that I can give my children is developing my Godly character.  My children will learn more from the person that I am than they will from anything that I say.  Yet, one of the first things to get pushed aside and off of my to-do list is spending time with God, and developing my character. I'm not suggesting that I become perfect, but I'm just acknowledging that my perspective is skewed when it comes to spending my time wisely.  I so quickly succumb to the pressure I put on myself to complete certain tasks and chores instead of giving God my first moments of the day.  In short, my organization is my idol, then thing that I worship.  I pray that God will break this in my heart and help me to become more dependent on Him. 

I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions, but for several years, I have had a verse of the year that I feel like God gives me.  I don't remember the past couple of years, if I even had a verse, and this year, I wasn't planning on it.  I have been reading Psalm every morning and find characteristics of God.  January 1, 2014 the Psalm I read was

Psalm 16

¹ Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.

² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.”
³ I say of the holy people who are in the land,
    “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
⁴ Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
    I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
    or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷ I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    nor will you let your faithful^[b] one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 

 

It is easy for me to loose perspective, to want more from this life.  I want to be involved in missions, helping people and to be recognized.  This year I want to become more focused on where God has placed me and a wife and mom.  I want to accept my role as wife and mom with joy, being thankful for everything God has given me.  I want to cling more to God as my true God and let go of my idols.  I rest in the truth that God truly is all that I need.  I cling to him as my faithful God who will never forsake me, leave me of let go of me.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve Him.  May I become less selfish and prideful this year, learning to give to others the way Christ has so graciously given to me.