The Perfect Christmas

Just the word “Christmas” brings so many memories. My family has so much tradition when it comes to Christmas.  Many of those traditions have faded as we have grown older and bigger (not in weight but in number.)  Christmas is such a special time for me and my family.  As my children are getting bigger I feel frantic to get all the right traditions and decorations.  I want to carry on the tradition of having traditions.  I’m tempted to be sucked into the materialism and have a lot of Christmas “stuff.”  (not that there is anything wrong with the “stuff.”)  I want to get this, and do this, and get it just right.  I try to get everything else in my life just right, so it's it's no surprise that I'm aiming for perfection in my Christmas celebration.

The truth is that I don’t have to get Christmas right because it is already perfect in and of itself.  It is Christ’s birthday and how we celebrate is just that, it’s how we are celebrating it.  Jesus came and he was born and it was perfect.  For the western mind, it probably isn’t what we would call perfect.  A cave is no place for the Messiah, we think, but that is just as God planned.  Humility is how God wanted Jesus to enter the world and that is the perfect way.  I don’t have all the answers of how we escape the materialism and anxiousness of the season, but I have the starting point.  We stop trying to aim for perfection and we celebrate Jesus’ birth, whether that is through lights, Christmas trees, singing, baking, eating or presents.  We stop to remember the true reason for the season and remember Christmas is already perfect, and you can’t make perfect better.

What My Unborn Child Taught Me

Daniel Moses Crouch

My sweet baby Daniel is resting in the arms of my heavenly father.  I will soon share the whole story of the day we found out Daniel no longer had a heartbeat, but today is about what Daniel has taught me.  I had no idea how much such a young child could teach me.  God brings good out of every situation and I would not have chosen this way to learn these lessons, but I am here so I choose to embrace them. 

Our sin brings death, Obedience brings life.

My natural response to a situation of this nature is usually “God, what are you doing?”  However this time, by the grace of God, I have been able to say “God, I trust you.”   I could shake my fist at the Lord and say, “why me?”  I could walk a path of bitterness and anger that would lead to depression and death, but at what cost?  What good will that bring?  Don’t misunderstand me, I do have those questions, why?  What is your purpose?  But I don’t stay there, I choose to bow in humility and say God, I trust you.  I know you have a plan and a purpose.  There has been such peace and comfort in this.  It doesn’t make it hurt less, it doesn’t make it less sad, but it does bring peace in the midst of suffering.

Humility

In Daniel 6, Nebuchadnezzar is humbled through a long stay in the wilderness and at the end he says this in verse 37 “Now I, Nebuchadnezzar praise and exalt and glorify the King of heaven, because everything he does is right and all his ways are just.  And those who walk in pride he is able to humble.”  This verse brings me great hope as most of my issues and problems are rooted in pride.  I’m thankful that God is able to humble me and that in the loss of Daniel, I can look to him and say as Nebuchadnezzar has said “Everything you do is right and all of your ways are just.” I like to control and think that I’m in control.  I am learning that I am not in control, God is.

Someone always has it worse

When I have needed to remind myself of God’s truth and hold on to his sovereignty, I have read Job 1:21.  “ Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart.  The LORD gave and LORD has taken away; may the name of the LORD be praised.”  If Job, who lost everything can say this, then surely by the grace of God I can too.  In my loss I have considered how many women have experienced much greater pain.  I have two beautiful children that help ease the pain of the loss of Daniel and we have never struggled to get pregnant (quite the opposite).  I know of women that have struggled to get pregnant and then lost their baby and don’t have children.  They are barren and that is a whole different kind of loss.  I’m not belittling the loss, because it is still painful and sad, but I have so much to be thankful for in the middle of my loss.  This reminds me of my brother-in-law who died from cancer. I vividly remember being in the hospital right before he passed away and he said, “I used to ask God, why me?  And now I say to God, why not me?”  We don’t get to choose our circumstances, but we do have control over how we face our circumstances.  We can face them with a “why me?” attitude or we can face them with a “why not me?”

God’s sacrifice takes on a new meaning

God sent his only son, to die for my sins.  I have heard this story my whole life, but the loss of Daniel has given it such a deeper meaning.  God chose to send his ONLY son to die a horrible death so that we could be free.  Our baby went quietly and we didn’t chose for him to go.  God’s sacrifice was so great and he knows the pain of our loss. 

Celebrate Life which belongs to God

Mike and I have always shared early about our pregnancies, saying that we would want the support if something went wrong.  We never dreamed after 2 healthy pregnancies something would go wrong, but I am so thankful that we have this perspective.  I’m thankful that I celebrated Daniel’s life, got to hear his heartbeat, and celebrated with my family and friends.  I’m thankful for the time that I got to carry him in my  womb and though I never got to feel his movement, I’m thankful for his life and little bit of time that God allowed us to love him and carry him.  It has reminded me to celebrate life which belongs to God.  First of all: Celebrate life no matter how long it is life.  Celebrate the lives of your families and friends because we are not promised tomorrow.  As James 4:13-15 says “ Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  Secondly: All we have belongs to God.  As I have grieved the loss of Daniel, I have been tempted to fear the loss of my other children.  In this fear, God has reminded me that they are not mine anyway.  God has blessed me with the stewardship of my children.  My children belong to the Lord, and I must learn to live in this way.  And further, everything, every minute, hour and day belongs to the Lord.  We are merely stewards of our time here. 

I will always miss my baby Daniel, but I know I will get to hold him one day along with several other mothers who have suffered this same loss.  But even this small child has made a difference in my life.  Praise be to God!

I don't have the answers

I strongly feel that I should be putting laundry away and emptying the dishwasher, but for now I’m writing again.  My anger has driven me to my knees today.  I find myself not recognizing myself as an "angry person".  It takes a lot to get me angry and overall anger hasn’t really been a struggle for me.  Well….1 Corinthians 10:12 says the following: “ So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”  Today I was angry.  I just want my sweet little boy to “listen and obey.”  And he went into the pantry where he KNEW he was NOT supposed to go and he got a spanking.  I’m not so sure that time-out would have been a more appropriate solution….but even if a spanking was the right course of action this time.  I was angry and I don’t want to be angry when I spank.  I want to loving and kind and full of love.  I want to have everything together, everything in it’s place and sit down and rest when it’s naptime.  Once again, here I am aiming and wanting perfection in the midst of a chaotic, messy and sinful life that I am part of and responsible for.  Even in the midst of my sin, I am thinking how can I overcome and become a better mom that doesn’t get angry and is okay with the mess.  Still in my desire to overcome I want to be perfect.  So there it is, PRIDE.  Pride is the root of my sin.  I care more about what I want and how I look and perform than I do about glorifying God. 

So where do I go from here?  I know I have to work on my anger.  I know I have to work on my pride.  I feel so overwhelmed by the sin that has to be worked on in my life.  I feel that parenting has brought me to a new level of seeing my inadequacy.  I have to go to the cross.  I’m not talking about my devotions, because I’ve been doing ok with spending time with God.  I’m talking about carrying my cross daily, hourly, momently.  In those moments of discipline and when my son has disobeyed for the 4^th time in a row, I have to pray for wisdom as I make decisions.  Fear looms in my mind that somehow I’m screwing everything up.  I have to trust the Lord that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and will help me.  I don’t have the answers, I’m just one mother struggling along with the rest of  the best.  I want to be the one that is telling all other moms how to do.  Instead I’m the one struggling along, sometimes just to keep them alive (for real).  But nonetheless I am here and I am striving to get my life on the right track of seeking God’s glory instead of my own.  

Bloom Where You are Planted

Bloom where you are planted.  When I was growing up, my mom had a plaque hanging in our house that said this.  Just recently, I have really been contemplating what it means.  Bloom where you are planted.  Be content with what you have.  Enjoy the moments and the days that you are blessed with.  Most of us are always looking for the next thing.  We say things (if only to ourselves) like “ When I do this, then life will be complete.”  When we were little, it was most likely looking ahead to something like driving….man when I can drive….. then when I graduate, then when I get married….then when I have kids….. and then when the kids are gone….

There is a part of us that longs for more.  More of something.  We don’t really know how to bloom where we are planted.  It doesn’t come naturally to live right here where I am today.  I want to be more organized, more patient and kind.  I want to  get so many things done.  Yes I’ve said this before.  I’ve thought about it and blogged about it and complained about it.  But today is different because I’m not just here to harp about how I need to change.  I am actually looking to change.  I’m thinking about how I can change and really overcome the idol of organization and perfection.  I don’t want to just talk about blooming where I am planted.  I really want to do it.  I don’t want it to become an idol in itself, but what I want to do is seek God daily, recognize the season of life that I am is and count my blessings. 

When I was single, I longed for the day that I was married.  I love to minister to single ladies now because looking back I see how precious those days were, just me and my savior.  I don’t regret any of how my life has turned out, I wouldn’t go back to being single, however, there were precious days of singleness where I was so close to the Lord.  But I didn’t see that when I was single.  I was too busy wanting to be married.  Marriage has added a different dimension to my relationship with God.  There is a sanctification that comes with marriage.  As my sister told me before I got married, “Marriage is a mirror, where your faults are all reflected.” I have grown more spiritually and recognized sin in my life in a way that I never did when I was single.   Children have brought even a deeper level of sanctification.  I have learned the depth of my selfishness and lack of patience.  I never thought I would be mean to my children.  But sadly, there are days (more than I care to admit), that my agenda is more important than my relationship with my children.  Yet I know that God is shaping me and refining me through my children.  When I step back and reflect, I am amazed at the beauty of each season of my life.  But it is hard in the middle of a season to see the beauty.  It is usually only after it is passed that I look back and say, man I wish I would have….. So here I am in my season of marriage and parenting.  And I am looking to find the beauty.  I am seeking to bloom where I am planted rather than looking ahead to something else or being mad that I’m here. 

At church yesterday we were in the middle of a worship song, and I had to take my son out to the nursery.  It interrupted the “worship experience” for me.  I was tempted to look on stage at the worship team at one single girl in particular and think “she has no idea how special this time is.”  But I stopped and realized that I am that same girl that has “no idea how special this time is.”  I have no idea how special this time is.  It may not be like it was when I was single.  It’s not supposed to be.  I may not get to worship uninterrupted.  I may not get hours in the word of God like I used to.  My relationship with God doesn’t look the same as it did when I was single or without children.  But it’s not supposed to.  Just because it is different, doesn’t mean that there is something wrong.  This doesn’t mean that I come up with excuses to not spend time with God.  It just means that I need Him now more than ever.  I want to have hours with the Lord, reading his word.  Instead I have hours with the Lord, caring for my children.  What we see as an interruption, is a moment to praise the Lord.

I am learning to be thankful for what I have instead of looking at what someone else has.  I am learning to look at what really matters instead of my own agenda.  I am learning that I know nothing about having an eternal perspective, but I am praying that God will change my heart of stone into one that is concerned with glorifying God in every moment, instead of glorifying myself.  

What really matters?

I just made my favorite cinnamon tea latte and am tempted to guzzle it while I hurry on my way to finishing my chores.  I long to contemplate life over a cup of tea while I frantically try to do it all.  There’s a rat race in my mind and I only want peace.  I constantly log the things I have to do and dread them all at this point.  I want to do all these other things but yet I can’t get a handle on just the little things.  Then it comes to me.  I have to get really organized about doing my housework and other chores so I’ll have time for the fun things.  So I stop to enjoy my tea and spend some time with God while I sip my tea.  Both kids are asleep and I can’t decide what is more important: a nap or a blitz around the house.  A nap is usually never my choice, but today it was.  And I feel freer to take breaks and write and spend time with God when I take naps (well I do today anyway).  It forces me to stop and slow down.  There is a fine line there between taking care of myself and being lazy and irresponsible.  There is a fine line between having grace for myself and just not doing what I needed to.  I haven’t found the balance, but I’m teetering along the tight rope.  Lately I have had a phrase frequent my mind “What really matters?”  On days like today, I want to throw my hands in the air and say “ I don’t care what really matters, I want to get all my chores done and I want everyone else to cooperate and I want to be in a selfish, mean, bad mood while I’m doing it.”  I hate to admit it.  I don’t like this about myself, but this is where I am today.  Until just now.  I’m stopping.  I’m going back to where I should have started my day.  I’m going back to His word, His promises.  I’m going back to remember what really matters.  Will you join me?

From Perfection to Failure and why it's OK

The ache of something more lingers in my soul.  There are so many lessons that I want to learn, lessons I want to really transform the way that I do things.  Deep down I want to live life God’s way, but my flesh is so strong wanting to be super mom and wife.  I want to be able to keep my house, meal plan and complete projects the way that I could before Abby was born.  I want to be super mom and wife.  I want to be able to operate on less sleep and still complete everything.  I want to spend time with my son reading to him and playing with him.  I want to take him for long walks and be patient and kind to him in every moment.  I want to care for my newborn with love and patience.  I want to cuddle her and rock her.  I want to respond to her cries with understanding and complete love.  I want to be able to multitask with two little ones running around.  I want to silence the wisdom of moms before that say you have to let the housework go for a while.  I want to cook my husband breakfast and supper with joy, provide a home of peace and comfort and love for him to come home to.  I want to do all the laundry and knock out all the tasks so that when the kids nap, I have some time to myself.  I want to spend hours in the word of God basking in his presence as I read His word.  And the list goes on.  I want I want I want.  I want to be the perfect wife and mom.  I want that more than I want to glorify God.  It hurts me to admit that, but it’s true.  I strive to be all of this, yet I am impatient, I lack joy, I struggle to just get supper on the table as John runs around fussing and Abby is screaming.  I can’t remember the last time that I dusted and some days I’m scrambling to at least have the house presentable when Mike gets home.  Some days I wonder why God trusts ME to be a parent. Isn’t there someone else out there that is more patient and that would do a better job?   I want a 10 step plan to finding a balance in all the chaos, but yet what I find is Christ Himself saying to me “I can handle this.”   I read the following in my devotional this morning:  “Have you placed your day in His hands.?”  Then a song on the radio comes on….”held in His hands.”  I stop.  Tears run down my face as I realize how much I have been trying to do this alone.  Why do I fight the one that can save me?  Not just save me from death and provide an eternal home for me.  But the one who can save me from myself, my daily sin of trying to do it myself.  He can give me peace in the midst of this chaos.  He can help me learn the lessons that I want to learn, but I have to let go of the dream of perfection.  That’s not my job even though it’s what I think I want.  My job is to faithfully be obedient to my Savior.  Sometimes that means that the house isn’t as clean as I want it to be,  my child is screaming while I take care of my other child.  Sometimes that means I walk away for 5 minutes asking the Lord to strengthen me.  Sometimes that means that I am broken and admit I can’t do it alone.  As much as I want to be perfect, I have to let go of my own will and surrender to the Father’s will.  So I strive to let go of perfection, take one day at a time and place it in His hands.

Finding my way back

My mind wanders in a million directions.  I have to do laundry, freeze spaghetti meat, cook supper, get ready for a doctor’s appointment, take the trash out, wash the dishes, feed the children….and the list goes on.  I want to be a person who thinks about heavenly things instead of earthly things.  I want to crave the Lord and his word.  Yet I sit here sleep deprived trying to get myself to do my Bible study instead of look on facebook or distract myself with something else like looking for land or a new sound machine.

I want to maximize the time that I spend nursing my child by praying or thinking about the Lord, yet I just feel so tired.  The newborn stage truly just wears me out.  I see my lack of patience and realize my need for my Jesus.  It’s by the grace of God that our children survive.  When you have a one year old wanting your attention and whining and a newborn screaming and you don’t know how to help either one of them, it become very hard to respond with grace and patience.  I am reminded of my helplessness and my need for my Jesus. 

I hit meltdown yesterday.  After several days of family visiting (which was wonderful) and a  3 hour car trip one way to a funeral.  It was the end of me.  I knew it was coming cause it was just too much.  The beautiful thing about hitting the end of me is that I finally rely on Jesus.  I lean on Him.  I stop trying so hard and I rest in Him.  I get perspective realizing that my ideals and my to do list aren’t the most important things.  I stop and I rest.  

I’m not good at any of these things.(relying on God, resting in him, realizing the most important things)  Most of the time I have a skewed perspective.  I please people instead God.  I please myself instead of putting others first.  I’m prideful and I’m selfish.  I want my own way.  But God’s grace is enough.  The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.  He is enough when I’m failing .  He is enough when I’m doing well.  He is ALWAYS enough. He is my rock, my shelter, my savior.  My sin doesn’t bound me to be this way forever.  My Jesus has overcome all of my sin and these things that are breaking me, are breaking me of myself, my pride and my selfishness.  Though I still struggle, it is progress.  Praise God for redemption and sanctification.  May I lean MORE on him and LESS on me. 

For those mothers out there that are at the end of themselves, remember to lean on Jesus.

When life runs you instead of you running life

About 2 weeks ago, I had a nice schedule in the mornings.  I got up, fixed my husband breakfast, had devotions, did a short work-out, then John got up.  We started our morning, we had breakfast, (I was actually cooking myself an omelet).  We sang a song and read the Bible and then went on about our day.  The rest of my day wasn't quite so organized, but just that little routine helped me to stay focused and feel good.

Then it all changed.  John decided to start getting up at 6 AM giving me NO time to myself and just rushing through everything and not having song time or Bible time.  My devotions were rushed and interrupted by John's needs and my work-outs just didn't happen.

I'm amazed at how much I allow myself to be thrown by circumstances.  How much just a schedule change can affect me so much and make me feel as though I am in turmoil, uncertainty and out of control.

Looking back at these moments, I realize how much I need to lean on the Lord.  I realize that it doesn't matter how many schedules I have in place, I'm still not in control.  Even those things that make me feel peaceful aren't my true source of joy and peace.  When I stop and focus on the Lord, the tasks aren't so daunting, the to do list doesn't matter as much and I am able to not waste time, and get the things done that I need to get done.

I long to have everything done, perfect and organized.  I long to get all my tasks done, be patient with my son and have extra time to spend with him, just laughing and playing.  Instead I find myself wasting time, frantically hurrying through my chores, wanting to do so much more, being impatient with my son, rushing him off to play with his toys every second of the day.  

I don't want to be this mom.  I want to be intentional and lean on the grace of God to help me to follow His lead and patiently guide our son in righteousness.  God truly is the only one that can make this happen.  I commit myself to Him today.  I must do this everyday in order to glorify Him through my life and my parenting.

Idolatry, organization, and being a mom

I walked through Target yesterday marveling at the organizational things they have.  All the storage bins, the calendars, the dry erase boards etc.  I could buy them all and never use them.  Every year, I buy a planner, just to be set aside in a couple of months.  I long to be that planner that plans every single hour, yet I refuse to be that structured because I could never stay that structured.  At the same time I thrive in an organized environment.  I do better on a schedule (even if it's very flexible).  I feel better, I get things done and I don't waste much time.  This past year I looked my problem of wasting time right in the face and I conquered it, thanks to my husband.  I was furious with him when he first made me write down everything that I was doing in a notebook.  I sarcastically wrote down EVERY thing I was doing.  However after a few days, I found myself being more productive, feeling better and loving the organization.  I still wasn't planning every minute of every day, but I knew what I was responsible for and I got done what I needed to get done that day and the rest of the things, I knew when they would get done.  SO freeing, so pleasant, but I'm come away from that again.  The busy-ness of the holidays and my weaknesses have put me back in that "wasting time" mindset.  I still get things done but I'm ready to be back in my routine.  I have all these things that I want to get done, ways I want to organize.  My world would be perfect if I could just get myself organized. 

That's where I'm wrong.  I have to cling to God every moment of every day.  The goals I have of being that perfect mom and wife are futile.  That perfect world where the house is clean, My husband is pleased with me, my child always eats healthy, I respond in patience every time, and I enjoy every moment of every day.  Those goals are nothing without God at the center of my life.  I really have been thinking and reading some about the greatest gift that I can give my children is developing my Godly character.  My children will learn more from the person that I am than they will from anything that I say.  Yet, one of the first things to get pushed aside and off of my to-do list is spending time with God, and developing my character. I'm not suggesting that I become perfect, but I'm just acknowledging that my perspective is skewed when it comes to spending my time wisely.  I so quickly succumb to the pressure I put on myself to complete certain tasks and chores instead of giving God my first moments of the day.  In short, my organization is my idol, then thing that I worship.  I pray that God will break this in my heart and help me to become more dependent on Him. 

I'm not one to make New Years Resolutions, but for several years, I have had a verse of the year that I feel like God gives me.  I don't remember the past couple of years, if I even had a verse, and this year, I wasn't planning on it.  I have been reading Psalm every morning and find characteristics of God.  January 1, 2014 the Psalm I read was

Psalm 16

¹ Keep me safe, my God,
    for in you I take refuge.

² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord;
    apart from you I have no good thing.”
³ I say of the holy people who are in the land,
    “They are the noble ones in whom is all my delight.”
⁴ Those who run after other gods will suffer more and more.
    I will not pour out libations of blood to such gods
    or take up their names on my lips.

⁵ Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance.
⁷ I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.
⁸ I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

⁹ Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
    my body also will rest secure,
¹⁰ because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead,
    nor will you let your faithful^[b] one see decay.
¹¹ You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand. 

 

It is easy for me to loose perspective, to want more from this life.  I want to be involved in missions, helping people and to be recognized.  This year I want to become more focused on where God has placed me and a wife and mom.  I want to accept my role as wife and mom with joy, being thankful for everything God has given me.  I want to cling more to God as my true God and let go of my idols.  I rest in the truth that God truly is all that I need.  I cling to him as my faithful God who will never forsake me, leave me of let go of me.  I'm thankful for the opportunity to serve Him.  May I become less selfish and prideful this year, learning to give to others the way Christ has so graciously given to me.