I don't have the answers

I strongly feel that I should be putting laundry away and emptying the dishwasher, but for now I’m writing again.  My anger has driven me to my knees today.  I find myself not recognizing myself as an "angry person".  It takes a lot to get me angry and overall anger hasn’t really been a struggle for me.  Well….1 Corinthians 10:12 says the following: “ So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall!”  Today I was angry.  I just want my sweet little boy to “listen and obey.”  And he went into the pantry where he KNEW he was NOT supposed to go and he got a spanking.  I’m not so sure that time-out would have been a more appropriate solution….but even if a spanking was the right course of action this time.  I was angry and I don’t want to be angry when I spank.  I want to loving and kind and full of love.  I want to have everything together, everything in it’s place and sit down and rest when it’s naptime.  Once again, here I am aiming and wanting perfection in the midst of a chaotic, messy and sinful life that I am part of and responsible for.  Even in the midst of my sin, I am thinking how can I overcome and become a better mom that doesn’t get angry and is okay with the mess.  Still in my desire to overcome I want to be perfect.  So there it is, PRIDE.  Pride is the root of my sin.  I care more about what I want and how I look and perform than I do about glorifying God. 

So where do I go from here?  I know I have to work on my anger.  I know I have to work on my pride.  I feel so overwhelmed by the sin that has to be worked on in my life.  I feel that parenting has brought me to a new level of seeing my inadequacy.  I have to go to the cross.  I’m not talking about my devotions, because I’ve been doing ok with spending time with God.  I’m talking about carrying my cross daily, hourly, momently.  In those moments of discipline and when my son has disobeyed for the 4^th time in a row, I have to pray for wisdom as I make decisions.  Fear looms in my mind that somehow I’m screwing everything up.  I have to trust the Lord that the Holy Spirit lives inside of me and will help me.  I don’t have the answers, I’m just one mother struggling along with the rest of  the best.  I want to be the one that is telling all other moms how to do.  Instead I’m the one struggling along, sometimes just to keep them alive (for real).  But nonetheless I am here and I am striving to get my life on the right track of seeking God’s glory instead of my own.  

What really matters?

I just made my favorite cinnamon tea latte and am tempted to guzzle it while I hurry on my way to finishing my chores.  I long to contemplate life over a cup of tea while I frantically try to do it all.  There’s a rat race in my mind and I only want peace.  I constantly log the things I have to do and dread them all at this point.  I want to do all these other things but yet I can’t get a handle on just the little things.  Then it comes to me.  I have to get really organized about doing my housework and other chores so I’ll have time for the fun things.  So I stop to enjoy my tea and spend some time with God while I sip my tea.  Both kids are asleep and I can’t decide what is more important: a nap or a blitz around the house.  A nap is usually never my choice, but today it was.  And I feel freer to take breaks and write and spend time with God when I take naps (well I do today anyway).  It forces me to stop and slow down.  There is a fine line there between taking care of myself and being lazy and irresponsible.  There is a fine line between having grace for myself and just not doing what I needed to.  I haven’t found the balance, but I’m teetering along the tight rope.  Lately I have had a phrase frequent my mind “What really matters?”  On days like today, I want to throw my hands in the air and say “ I don’t care what really matters, I want to get all my chores done and I want everyone else to cooperate and I want to be in a selfish, mean, bad mood while I’m doing it.”  I hate to admit it.  I don’t like this about myself, but this is where I am today.  Until just now.  I’m stopping.  I’m going back to where I should have started my day.  I’m going back to His word, His promises.  I’m going back to remember what really matters.  Will you join me?