Pregnancy after miscarriage

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  Hebrews 11:1

Hearing that sweet heartbeat was so comforting, such a relief….for about an hour.  Then the fears came back, even stronger.  Maybe they just felt stronger because I didn’t expect them to come back so soon.  Maybe it was because I didn’t get any confirmation that everything really was okay until the next appointment which was over a month away.  The thing is that I would really be okay if we had another miscarriage.  I know that God’s grace would be so strong just as it has in the other situations and just like His grace is when we go through hard times.  What I realized in the midst of this strong fear was that my biggest fear is the unknown.  I want to know for sure that God won’t allow another miscarriage and that my baby will live OR I want to know for sure that my baby will not live and exactly when that will happen.   I desire to control and know rather than trust in God as an all-knowing, all-wise, perfect Savior.   

Although it is hard and I struggle to trust and fight, it is in and through the struggle that my faith grows.  In the midst of the struggle it feels as though I’m falling on my face every time fear knocks at my door.  And there are those moments when I do fail and I have to fight to get back up.  However it is in the struggle that we grow.  Our faith grows and we are able to look back and see how God used these situations to help us to grow. But in the middle of the struggle, it seems so hard, so dark, so hopeless.  I have to hold on God’s promises and have faith.  Faith doesn’t come easy and as Hebrews says, “it is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” I want to be sure of what I hope for (my baby living) and certain of what I do not see (his/her heartbeat).  I’m holding on to this promise and even as I hold onto it, there is still the temptation to fear that what I am holding onto won’t come to pass and also to fear the pain that comes from believing in something so strongly just to lose it. And I’m not denying the possibility.  But what I am holding on beyond my sweet baby, is that God is a God that works ALL things for good for those who love Him.  I have to choose to believe in the midst of the unknown that no matter what happens, God is still on His throne, He IS the blessed controller of ALL things and he wastes nothing.  Whatever he allows in my life is for a greater purpose than I see.  I don’t have to like it, but I have to trust Him.  And the thing is, I’m worried about something that hasn’t even happened.  I’m considering a loss that hasn’t come.  I’m wasting my energy on worry rather than celebrating the life that is growing inside of me and the lives that I have to care for now.  My worries distract me from my daily responsibilities, making me useless.  

I recently read in a book where the author used the story of Moses to show how his parents must have been tempted to fear his safety.  She used the illustration of putting your fears in the basket and trusting them into God’s hands.  Today I put my sweet baby in the basket as a symbol of putting him/her in God’s hands.  I will have to fight not to try to take him/her out of the basket and try to control.  I will long for each appointment to hear that heartbeat, but in the meantime I choose to hold onto Christ, His promises, His love, and His care.  I will continue to have faith, being sure of what I hope for and certain of what I do not see.   This kind of faith doesn’t come easy and I will continue to struggle, but I do know I WILL be able to look back and see the work God did in my heart.  He is faithful ALWAYS!