Scattered yet grounded

It's been a while since I blogged.  And honestly, I feel inadequate to begin to speak now.  I feel like I need to catch up on all I've missed when I haven't been writing.  I have so many thoughts and emotions that I would love to express. Things I'm passionate about.  Things I've learned in marriage and parenting.  Things I've learned about God and things that I haven't figured out.  I don't have the time or the space to write all of those now, but I will write what is on my heart today.

I'm tired.  I'm worn out.  And my mind races.  I have a hard time settling down with my coffee to have time with God like I used to.  Marriage and parenting has changed so much for me and who I am. It has brought selfishness and pride to the surface and I have slowly been dealing with it.  At times it brings me closer to God as I have no where else to turn and other times it seems to draw me away because I distract myself with other things that "have" to be done.  I keep myself busy so I don't have to look at the mess that I am.   

I have struggled lately with some doctrinal controversies.  I have deeply contemplated some things that I never have before.  It has been difficult to consider things that make me uncomfortable.  It has scared me to think of God in a different way.  I have tried to come to some conclusions.  For the sake of argument I won't go into detail, but what I have come up with is that God is God regardless.  He is constant and doesn't and hasn't changed.  Whether or not I understand Him doesn't change His character.  My doubts don't shake him.  My frustrations don't phase Him.  He is always the eternal God.  Always.  I haven't figured God out yet, and the thing is, it's not my responsibility.  I will continue to ponder these things about God because I know it's important that I have scriptural support for what I believe.  Yet I will choose not to focus on it.  I will focus on the things that are clear in scripture.   I will love my husband and my child.  I will reach out to those around me and remember God is God always.

My life is not my own.  I can't seem to get this truth into my head.  I constantly am thinking of myself and what is best for me.  I think of how I want things to be, the things that I want to happen and how everything will affect me.  I have a hard time surrendering my entire life into the hands of the Lord.  My true beliefs come out in my actions and I live as if my life is my own.  I long to make the transformation to put God and others first.  It just doesn't come easy.  Just when  I think I'm getting better I have an emotional response revealing my very selfish heart.  So I step back and remember how human I am.  Ask for God's grace and for my husband's forgiveness and I strive to do better remembering that God is the only one that is good.

Even as I consider my struggles I realize that I have a good life.  I have so much to be thankful for and that is what I should focus on.  I know it's Thanksgiving soon, but it's more than that.  Thanksgiving is not a holiday, it's a lifestyle.  One that I rarely keep.  Thankfulness would solve many of our problems.  Thankfulness would keep me out of the pit of depression, frustration and feeling overwhelmed.  Thankfulness is a choice.  Thankfulness is necessary. 

I feel my thoughts are scattered, and I would expect nothing less from a crazy pregnant mother.  Yet in the midst of the chaos and busy-ness.  I feel his presence with me.  Trust God.  Thank God.  Live for God.