My Fifth Pregnancy

Not many people know about our second miscarriage.  It’s not that we didn’t want people to know.  It’s just that, well I’m not even sure.  I guess I didn’t want my status update to be: “we lost another baby.”  The second miscarriage was what’s called a blighted ovum, which means the baby never developed.   The second one felt more like a loss of a pregnancy rather than a loss of a baby, but nonetheless, a loss.  I was at a much better place in the first loss, trusting God that He knew he what he was doing, even if I didn't understand. However I did ask questions, like why did I get pregnant in the first place? Why just not get pregnant?  But with the second miscarriage, I was pretty upset that it was happening again....didn't want do feel pregnant if I wasn't really pregnant and didn't want to walk this road AGAIN....I was full of fear at the beginning of the pregnancy when we didn't know if it was a miscarriage or not. During those weeks of uncertainty, I didn't know what/how to pray. But the only comfort came from reading God's word. I didn't know what to say to God, but God had comforting words for me from His word. I think after the first miscarriage, I really felt I handled it well....I was trusting in God's sovereignty and even though I was sad, I was ok. But the second one I was humbled even more because I didn't handle it well. I was mad, fearful and hurt. I wanted my babies to be here, I knew that everything would be okay, but in those moments of uncertainty, I was not ok and I was not happy with my circumstances.(This was in February 2015).

Present day June 2015, we are so excited to be 10 weeks pregnant.  We have an appointment tomorrow and it has been quite a journey to overcome fear.  Pregnancy after miscarriage is much different than my first two pregnancies.  My first two pregnancies were not filled with temptation to fear or visualization about appointments.  In some ways I wish that I could go back and not experience that heartache, change the past and have my sweet baby Daniel and Hope.  But first off, I couldn’t have both of those babies, and I couldn’t be pregnant right now, but the most important reason is: God didn’t allow it to happen that way, and He has a reason.  I may never fully realize why, and that’s ok. 

Sometimes I wish that “zap theology” worked.  That I could pray a prayer that would remove my fear and automatic peace would follow.  But God designed it where we are involved and uses these situations to draw us to Himself.  We are to work to overcome our sin (don’t be confused, I’m not saying work for our salvation).  But when it comes to fear, there is action to be taken.  I have had to work so hard to not fear the loss of this baby.  I have been on a roller coaster of one minute feeling everything is ok, to the next where I’m imagining my husband with cancer and finding out that the reason we have had miscarriage is because he is passing cancer to them.  There have been good days, bad days, hard day and just pure exhaustion.  Yet in the midst of it all, I know that God is calling me to trust in Him.  Reminding me that no matter what He is with me.  He knows what is going to happen and He is and will be with me through it all.  He has been faithful to give me scriptures, books and friends to help me as I walk through the first weeks of this pregnancy.  At about 7 weeks I had a turning point when I read something that talked about God not giving us grace for imagined situations. That worry is a sin and that we need to confess it, not look for grace. (not that God doesn't help us, but it's through confession and forgiveness not grace). I realized that I was just expecting my baby to die instead of living my life, taking care of my children and trusting that my baby was ok, until I learned otherwise.  Since then, the temptation to worry has been present, but I could always look back to that moment when I chose to trust that my baby was ok.  I’m nervous about tomorrow, but I choose to trust.  I don’t want to walk through another loss.  I want my baby to be ok.  But even if he/she is not, I trust the Lord.  He is good.  He is faithful. He is my God and my Savior.